† 19 April 2001

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We were never meant to be tamed

Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them. -Carrie Bradshaw

**  I think I should have put a trigger warning on this post…. Let’s put it this way; Those of you who accept nothing but the highest standard of personal freedom,
for themselves and others,
will know what this post is about.
And the rest will get triggered. **

This post was originally supposed to have a different title. Be about a different thing. A thing that made me angry, and on which I held a ton of opinions.
Cheating.
And how even “testing” your partner by bringing up the hypothetical scenario of cheating, is such a great way to see where their loyalty lies and how quickly they are willing to make your whole relationship about being right (they). And being wrong (you). How all feelings, your whole history, your entire future together, how the depth of your relationship could all be destilled into:
“You are a bad person because you’re having sex with someone else.”
In a blink of an eye.
How easily you could be at:
I am going to speak badly of you
Divorce you.
Or even hit the lows of:
“I am going to take revenge on you.”
If you would ask the hypothetical question on your partner’s well thought through balanced view on the subject.
And in reply I’d say: “Wow.”
And we all know that a woman saying “Wow” is the worst thing anyone can bring onto himself.
And I would say “Wow” even if their “if you love me you don’t do that” message was delivered in the most thoughtful, non-aggressive way imaginable. Then I would definitely make sure that I flipped that thing right back at them saying:
“Wow. I’m glad I know this BEFORE I WASTE THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE WITH YOU.”
yes, i m afraid that my answer would lie somewhere along those lines ….
Until when looking for a Carrie Bradshaw picture to go with this blog post, I stumbled on this quote about wild women. And wild men.

Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed.
Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.
-Carrie Bradshaw

And I thought: “That’s the whole thing in a nutshell.”
Wild women and wild men should pair up.
As well as the domestic ones.
Problems only rise when we start cross breeding.
Personally, no, I am not a cheater. Nor do I desire to have multiple partners. Nor would I have any trouble if my partner would say to me:
“Will you be with me, as if I’m the only one?”
I would not hesitate to answer:
“I will!”
So it’s not that I desire to go around humping around. But if I do want to;
Kiss that man.
Fall in love.
Have that encounter.
Cross that line.
I want a partner who can say:
“I love everything about you. Including the parts that hurt me. ”
And I would answer:
“That’s how much I love you too.”

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<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

all erotica and diaries available through my bookshop
select your store f.e. Nederland or United States with the flag in the upper right corner

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
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difficult or even toxic friends in your childhood can be a good sign

module 2 is based on my origin story Mango – click the photo to go to the first training video (or check this page where to buy Mango)

This is episode 13 of
Solitary Women with great sex lives
and the men who love them:
difficult or even toxic friends in your childhood can be a good sign

This is my new daily blog.
I ll either post a video from my course
Solitary Women with Great Sex Lives and the men who love them
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<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Module 1 of Solitary Women with great sex lives, is waiting for you here.

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meer lezen

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“You are still holding on. Let go!”

I never thought of myself as a particularly  good yoga teacher. Not that there is anything wrong with my teaching skills. I regard them very highly. I know how to use my voice, and  my classes are calm and relaxing.
But my personality, my gifts, that which I really want to offer, could offer, and sometimes even do offer, is not what people expect of a yoga teacher.
At least not from a vegetarian, India traveling, retreats teaching, natural fabrics wearing, diligently AM morning practicing yoga teacher; an image that has been dominating the media.
Nor do I live up to the standards yoga teacher training set for me.
In fact I made it a point not to.
I’ve always felt that there was something innately wrong with behaving the way a yoga teacher was supposed to behave. And yet I ve concluded a million times that despite my pointless efforts to get a daily AM yoga practice the last decade or so – I would get up at 5AM and snap right into my yoga practice if I would have a corporate job.  And would quit drinking. And could even go as far as becoming vegan.
Just to prove I was different. My last post here explains that this is a Rebel tendency. When yoga is an act of rebellion, I want to do it. With a chance of adding the clean eating and the self-control that is associated with serious yoga practitioners.
{ If you are curious which personality type you are take the test here and/or read my post here }
But as a yoga teacher I can’t possibly make myself do something that is considered best practice for my profession. Or adopt habits that are considered mandatory in my industry. In fact, like I said: I make it a point not to do that.
And even when I can see how the AM practice could be beneficial for me? Spending less time at my desk, getting really good at yoga? My 19 year old thighs back? Still not possible. Not going to do it. No matter how many challenges I embark upon.
Now that I know this, I think I have tweaked it for the rest of my life. It’s something that I’ve toyed with on and off for the last couple of years. But after realizing I am the rebel type, I know I was on the right track, and that this is gonna stick;
My personal, rebellious way of doing a home practice is not normal yoga. But consists of making yoga and fitness videos. It’s monetizable. It’s work. It’s not a proper, moving inward, grown-up practice. And it still might give me my thighs back too! Because I ve calculated that at nineteen, I did four one hour workouts a week. Which is exactly the amount of practice I get now as well.
So knowing I had the Rebel tendency, helped me solidify that. But there was something else, beside the lack of self-practice, that was bothering me;
my view on things. My wisdom.
And for at least one whole day, I thought that having the Rebel label attached to them, was the definite verdict I was a bad yoga teacher. Aside from the quality of my actual yoga teaching, which is good. But I felt my Rebel status disconnected me from the other tendencies, who were far more common than mine. Sure, I knew I would be able to teach other Rebels how to live a good life. According to their unique set of values. But the system clearly stated Rebels were extremely rare.
So I felt my wisdom was useless to others.
Because my wisdom is based on something that only Rebels “can” do, or want to do; to be completely free of expectations.
To never expect a certain outcome, and instead only do the things which they want to do, on a soul level.
Never expecting anything in return.
And every time I meet a new frustrating situation, a person, a wrong doing, a disappointment, everything, I see it as a sign that I have inner work to do.
As Kylo Ren said it;
“No, no! You are still holding on!”
Frustration to me has become a sign I did something expecting a certain outcome. Not because I wanted to, at that moment; be with that person, do that work, spend that time, give that love. But that I did it because I wanted to be rewarded for it.
“Let go!” Kylo Ren shouts.
So for a brief moment, I thought that my liberating insight was useless. Because I could suddenly see that it was only liberating for me. That the other types of the personality test, would probably not benefit from being free. The way I did.
So if my deepest insights into true happiness were useless to about 95% of other people, then I really was a bad yoga teacher. I felt horrible.
Until, a little voice in my head reminded me of the great sages of history. The wisdom of Tantra, Buddhism, Christianity. Had they not all said the same? To enjoy the work for the work. To detach from the outcome. To love and to open your heart because that is your way to enlightenment.
Not because someone will respond exactly the way you want them to.
Had not all of them said exactly the same thing as Kylo Ren?
“No, no! You are still holding on. Let go!”
And I realized that being a Rebel was far more compatible with being a yoga teacher, than I had ever imagined.

New Blog

This is my new daily blog – I write diary entries, posts like the one above, and I post videos of my course
Solitary Women with Great Sex Lives and the men who love them

The subscribe or follow button for this new daily blog is somewhere on this page. Have you found it?
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So now I can really say: See you tomorrow!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

 

{ module 1 inside } All you ever wanted to know about Solitary women with a great lives and the men who love them

Yes, yes!
It’s ready.
The first part of my training
Solitary women with a great lives
and the men who love them

is online.
I got severely delayed because of a cold and  didn’t make a video for two weeks. But now I m back, and yesterday I posted the final module 1 video, here on this blog.

module 1
All you ever wanted to know about
Solitary women with a great lives and the men who love them

Content:
This is honestly ALL the information you’ll ever need on this subject. SURE. We will talk a lot more about this little known sexual preference, that fits independent, fun loving women (but also serious mistress women!) like a glove. As well as give some pointers to the men who love them.
But the basics (and more) are all in module 1.

episode 1 Solitary women with Great Sex Lives:
Introducing The White Tigress and The Good Mistress 

episode 2 Perfectionism versus great sex
+ potential White Tigresses undervaluing themselves 

episode 3 The two sides of (non-)monogamy and ask for what you want

episode 4 Get energized by dating, and even more if he’s a cheater.
Includes sex worker trick. 

episode 5 A super positive history of dating cheaters and taking action to lose my virginity

episode 6 Dating dangerous men, risk free

episode 7 Our lover/mistress relationship may suffer from this series. Still going to do it. 

episode 8 I ended my relationship to date men. Plural. + Got addicted to one

episode 9 Dating? Weight loss? Career? Do it for the NOW, not a future outcome. 

episode 10 Phobias and fears around sex? YOU gotta do the work

episode 11 Want to read my real diaries? I almost chickened out!

episode 12 test if being a mistress or (having a) lover would make you happy

Want to receive this training module-by-module?
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Enjoy module 1, and please let me know if you have any questions or find irregularities in the links.

email info@lsharteveld.nl
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The best place to respond to videos is at the White Tigress page on Facebook.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Solitary Women with Great Sex Lives and the men who love them
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<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

ABOUT THE VIDEO PROGRAM

Solitary Women
with great sex lives
and the men who love them
(365 episodes total)

I created a playlist for the Solitary Women program,
including the 10 day training The Good Mistress (incl a test for The 5 Love Languages);
link to the playlist

Next up in Solitary Women with great sex lives and the men who love them, will be the module “Origin Story”; about what your preferences were when you were still a teenager. Subscribe to my YouTube to receive them.

my WHITE TIGRESS Facebook page
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my yoga studio:
https://myoganijmegen.com/

test if being a mistress or (having a) lover would make you happy

This is episode 12 of
Solitary women with great sex lives
and the men who love them.

test if being a mistress or (having a) lover would make you happy

you can take the test before or after watching the video.
link to the test

New Blog

This is my new daily blog.
I ll either post a video from my course
Solitary Women with Great Sex Lives and the men who love them
like the one above.
Or I ll write a diary entry. 

When you subcribe to this blog you will receive them daily.
Did you find the subscribe or follow button?
It’s usually on the right.
Please let me know if you find irregularities in subscribing, or have any questions;
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So now I can really say: See you tomorrow!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

ABOUT THE VIDEO PROGRAM

Solitary Women
with great sex lives
and the men who love them
(365 episodes total)

I created a playlist for the Solitary Women program,
including the 10 day training The Good Mistress (incl a test for The 5 Love Languages);
link to the playlist

Next up in Solitary Women with great sex lives and the men who love them, will be the module “Origin Story”; about what your preferences were when you were still a teenager. Subscribe to my YouTube to receive them.

my WHITE TIGRESS Facebook page
(best place for comments to videos)

my writer’s site
incl an offer to join my a private mailing list where I share all information that I can’t speak about, or write about.

my yoga studio:
https://myoganijmegen.com/

A Good Writer *cross out* A Rebel Writer Needs No Bush

I honestly double checked that.
Does the translation of the Dutch saying;
“Good wine doesn’t need a crown.”
Really translate to:
“Good wine needs no bush.”?
That would make some title! I couldn’t believe my luck. But apparently it does. That is the correct translation. And I will leave it up to you to make any assumption you like about my pubic hair. Because what I’m talking about is this;
That for such a long time I have been convinced that my writing; my life; my business; that which I do every day; is only one hundred percent aligned if it matches a single criterium:
Would I still do it if no one would appreciate it?
If there were no money, no acclaim, no likes on Facebook?
No retweets, no readers, no “bush” waiting as a reward?
Or – taking it even further – would I still do that, choose that, live like that, write like that, if it would actually cost me something?
More time, or money, credibility, clients?
The list could be endless.
And I confess that in my own head, I do make it a challenge that the list should be endless! Down to the point where I am considering;
Would I still do this, if it would cost me MY LIFE?
..
And then I’m deeply disappointed if I conclude that I would back down even a tiny bit before the ultimate sacrifice. Seeing that as a sign that I still have so much inner growth to do. So many expectations to let go off.
The conclusion that, apparently, I am still not fully aligned with something that is so important that I will stand for it. No matter what I lose, or unleash, or suffer.
That I have such a long way to go.
But yesterday something happened which made me realize two things.
1; Yes. I was right.
I do still have expectations to ditch and risks to take, to free myself fully and deliver the message, books, and blogs that come from the deepest layers of my soul. Without me filtering it. So I do want to liberate myself and I was right about that.
But.
2. That this path of liberation of all expectations, including oneselves, is a personal path. It is what will bring me the highest satisfaction. Give me the feeling of a life well-lived.
Me. But not others.
Not unless we share a crucial part of our personality- something I will tell you about in a minute. But the general truth is that although my biggest epiphanies over the last few years, have always been around letting go of expectations, and because the results were so profound and even intoxicating and addictive in their effect – that this does not give any guarantees that this experience or knowledge is transferable onto others.
Even if I would succeed in convincing others to live only from the heart, devoid of need to be accepted by others, it would not give any guarantees they would get the same “outcome” of feeling relieved, released, and high on their own accomplishments.
Unless, like I said, we share a character trait.
This is how to find out if we do;
In 2015 Gretchen Rubin published a book called “Better than Before”, where she gives over thirty strategies to improve your habits. To determine if a strategy is suitable for you, she gives you a framework called The Four Tendencies.
In 2017 she published a book, about those Four Tendencies alone.
And as a result YouTube will give you numerous long seminars on “Gretchen Rubin, Four Tendencies” because she used this framework on two promotional tours, for both books.
The Four Tendencies are about managing, and responding, to expectations. And although Gretchen states in about every lecture she gives that “most people” recognize themselves immediately, and only some really need the test; I suggest you take the test.
But this (advice) could be because I’m a Rebel, and I resist what most people do by the very nature of my personality. So take the test. Or don’t.
And I ll explain, what The Four Tendencies are.
First, there’s the Questioners.
Questioners are able to commit to any new habit, willing to meet any expectation, and follow any rule – both self imposed as well as outer imposed – once they’ve asked enough questions and are convinced it makes sense to act accordingly.
I took the quiz with a Questioner, and she told me how being allowed to ask questions, without being judged as someone in resistance, or stalling, was vital for her in order to function. And I know for a fact her performance is excellent. But before she can deliver that value she needs to know exactly what’s going on. And why.
If you work with a Questioner, answering his or her questions is the price you have to pay, in exchange for their allegiance.
And if you are a questioner yourself, knowing exactly why you want to commit to a new habit, or knowing exactly why you do something, is vital in order for your own internal commitment.
Next up are Obligers.
Although I have to say, Gretchen, seriously? Obligers? I think this unappealing title doesn’t do justice to something else Gretchen says; that there are no right and wrong tendencies.
That it’s all about knowing yourself, and turning your limitations into an advantage.
So I beforehand excuse myself for the label “Obligers”. I don’t think it’s particularly inspirational. Maybe we can think of a new term.
Anyway.
For Obligers, the primary motive is outer accountability and appreciation. This means that any goal they set for themselves where they create outer accountability, will get done.
Any task they connect to the well-being of their family, the responsibility towards their children, their loyalty towards their boss or co-workers?
It shall be done.
The hack can be as simple as installing an app to log your progress – but bottom line is that successful habits in Obligers come from creating outer accountability. And to quit beating yourself up for example because “you should be able to do that for yourself.”
Accept, hack, and thrive.
And that goes for all the tendencies.
Next are Upholders.
If you’re familiar with Harry Potter; Hermoine Granger is an Upholder. Upholders want to, and will, succeed in anything they set their minds to. Up to the point that they simply cannot stop on a certain path, even when they realize it has started to limit them, and is not bringing the results they had expected.
Once they commit, they can’t quit.
Another example of Upholders is that I ve taken the test with two Upholders and both of them murmered when it came to the question on their discipline:
“Well, I guess other people will think I m disciplined.”
Clearly indicating that as far as they could see, it wasn’t that they were particularly special or good at something. But that their excellence was merely based on others being weak, when it came to matters of discipline!
An Upholder will remember exactly when they missed a day of work, a workout, or that time in their lives when they feasted on ice cream.
“Well, I guess others will think I m disciplined.”
Clear sign of an Upholder.
Finally, last in line (literally, because they don’t want to be part of the group) are Rebels.
Rebels resist both outer and inner expectations alike. Donald Trump is a Rebel, and Gretchen confesses that when he didn’t show his tax returns, even after he had said he would? She almost died in disbelief. This was not possible! If you said you would do something, you have to do it!
You know what?
No.
You don’t.
One thing I ve always admired about Donald Trump, as well as about rebellious right wing politicians we have here in the Netherlands, is that they brutally expose how dependent “sane”, “good”, “honest” politicians are on the idea that everybody should be playing by a certain set rules.
And that they’re toast if you refuse to do that.
Don’t get me wrong; my vote always goes to the most extreme left wing party I can find. But I do have admiration for those right wing “bullies”.
Because my line of thinking is this;
“If you cannot tackle that? If you get frustrated with him? Then your strategy has got holes. Big ones!”
The fact that Donald Trump could become President of America (without getting the most votes even), exposes the loop holes in the Democratic Party, in the Republican Party, the election system, as well as in the severe limitations of the debating skills of the opponents, the moment somebody refuses to play by the rules.
As much as I dislike Donald Trump, I can’t suppress the feeling that he was just a sign of the times. That if you think the problem is “Donald Trump”, that you don’t see the bigger picture. Which is: “How do we fix that hole?”
That it was America’s, or the Democrat’s or any sane person’s expectation that anyone in politics should be following the rules. That getting the right guy in place had gotten so dependent on everybody playing by the rules, that no one was agile enough to counter Donald Trump. And with his complete lack of tact, his loudness, his money, and his career, you cannot say you didn’t see him coming.
Just that you didn’t bother fixing your net.
So that’s me as well.
I m a Rebel. I expose holes in the net. I am (was!) on a twenty-four seven mission to prove that expectations and rules are the devil. That they slow us down, and distract us. They make us waste precious time thinking about what should. Instead of about what is.
Trump and me are just using an opportunity, a weakness, that you knew existed a long time ago. You just refused to do something about it. And now you’re disappointed. You thought you could expect a certain behavior from us.
And we proved you wrong.
I did two yoga teacher trainings;
At the first they said that although it was a four year training, they encouraged you to take longer in order to let all the knowledge sink in. To get a deeper understanding of what the training was about.
As a result? I finished it in the shortest time possible. As the only one of my year.
In the second training they asked my written commitment on day one which I refused to give; and for me to do yoga daily, and keep a log.
Which I did, but then I started resenting the training so much I wanted to quit.
They “saved” me, and hauled me back in. And I was, and am, grateful for that. But I was still angry that they tried to control the amount of yoga I did at home. That they had saved me from quitting, didn’t change that. I felt really bad about that – I knew I owed them a diploma that was worth €2000. But nevertheless, I felt that they deserved my contempt for manipulating me into home practice.
Being a Rebel I had delivered the exact opposite of what they wanted in the first teacher training. And in the second I did deliver what they wanted, but I was so disgusted because the only way I could do that was by meeting their expectations, that I felt that diploma came at way too high a cost.
And I didn’t practice yoga for four months after.
All those memories came back after taking Gretchen Rubin’s test to the Four Tendencies.
But also: something else.
A deep insight that my opinion that rules and especially the expectations we hold are the devil – is such a deeply personal one. That it is rooted in my rebel heart. Where I really do belief that if you make yourself dependent on the approval of others, you nearly “deserve” to be disappointed, by an election result, by money not coming in, by not receiving any likes on Facebook, and no subscriptions to your blog. Your disappointment is a lesson to only do the work for the work. And not for the result. That it really is only about, and should only be about, the journey.
After reading Gretchen Rubin’s work, I know, all that is not true. All those paragraphs about doing your own work, and being soul aligned? Very likely- not true. Not for most of us, anyway.
Because most of us, will feel warm and loved and a sense of belonging and a life well lived if we are surrounded by people who love us for what we do or who we are.
It’s just some. A few.
The Rebels.
THEY are the ones who will feel liberated and free and as if they are living the life God intended for them, once they have cut the ties with all expectations. Including their own.
Who will, for example, crawl behind their computer every single day, even on a Friday night right before midnight, to write a post.
Without ANY expectations.
Those people?
Really do NOT need a bush.

New Blog

This is my new daily blog – I write diary entries, posts like the above one, and I post videos of my course
Solitary Women with Great Sex Lives and the men who love them

The subscribe or follow button for this new daily blog is somewhere on this page. Have you found it?
Please let me know if you find irregularities in subscribing, or have any questions;
email info@lsharteveld.nl
Twitter
or Facebook

So now I can really say: See you tomorrow!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

 

That thing I said I’d never do… is here.

There are so many things I said I’d never do. But honestly? This was the only one where not my inability to commit, not my slacker behavior, nor (on the opposite) the threat of getting addicted to it, was telling me NO.
It was something else.
The reason I never committed to blogging daily is because I thought people would immediately UNsubscribe.
Get TRIGGERED.
HATE ME.
Leave… never to return.
And I didn’t want that.
Even though I get emails every day, from Katrina Ruth, whose blog I follow diligently and I have my own morning ritual processing them; posting them to the #DailyKat page of my website.
On repeat. Every single day.
And Kat writes not just blogs! I also get promotional content from her. Yet, I never considered unsubscribing. On the contrary: I get inspired by her productivity.
I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging daily for over a year. But I always let it go. Mainly because of reasons I just mentioned. I didn’t want to scare subscribers off.
But this is different.
This is called DAILY. So you’ll know it’s DAILY.
Either you’ll receive a YouTube training from me, from my series:
Solitary Women
with great sex lives
and the men who love them
Or I ll write you a diary entry. Which could be about habits, writing or a little more juicy. Because when I get lucky? You get lucky 😀
The subscribe or follow button for this new daily blog is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
Please let me know if you find irregularities in subscribing, or have any questions;
email info@lsharteveld.nl
Twitter
or Facebook

So now I can really say: See you tomorrow!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living