poker | The Mistress Speaks episode 3

There are many things that surprise me about both monogamous, as well as open relationships.
But there is one aspect I understand.
Totally.
An aspect where I see the benefits of what they have, versus what I prefer.
But it is something that is almost always overlooked.
Yet it is going to make the difference between thriving at being a mistress;
Or forever stuck in the blame game on It’s-not-fair track.
And that difference is whether you like poker.
Or not.
Monogamous relationships as well as open or poly-amorous relationships, are based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A bond between two people, that serves as the basis for whatever the partners do, or are not allowed to do.
Assumptions, expectations, and culture determine the features of the relationship, and in rare cases even personal preference. But usually they are modeled according to an idea or an example relationship, that both parties agree on.
These agreed upon terms will prove to be a living thing, altered, coveted and manipulated, yet they will be referred to in every conflict.
Transparency, honesty, and equality are cornerstones within these treaties, regardless of the form or relationship style. Cheating (not telling your partner what you’re doing), ghosting (dropping out of contact without explanation), and gas lighting (deliberatly triggering someone’s mental weak spots or traumas) is behavior that is frowned upon by anybody who has ever given the whole concept of relationships a second thought.
They are simply not acceptable.
And if you are in a relationship with someone who does these things, then you, the victim, should get out immediately, or try to change things around.
It is not okay to endure such things.
They’re immoral.
Staying is a sign of your failure as well, because apparently you’re unable to find or create a healthy, mature relationship.
But a good mistress steps away from the idea of having a normal relationship. The rules don’t apply to her, because she is not the rightful partner.
And that’s when it all becomes an internal game, like poker.
Because if she calls her lover out on using or abusing power dynamics?
She loses.
Just like in poker, she has to internally deal with her insecurities. And without showing them. Ideally she completely ignores what her lover has done to her, and even counter it by responding loving, understanding, and being entirely okay and happy living her own life.
It’s almost like reversed gas lighting, where the perpetrator will definitely notice his trick is not working, and might even think he’s lost “it”.
Which he hasn’t, of course.
Because within normal relationships? That shit ALWAYS works!
Whenever you want your partner to feel really bad, and basically derail the conversation, all you have to do is lie, play stupid or push some buttons, and bam!
That other person will immediately go berserk. First on you, then call her friends, then sulk in frustration for days. All attention will be drawn away from the initial conversation that you didn’t want to have.
That you chose to blow up.
And now the partner who was playing by the rules has basically behaved so poorly, that the other, less honest, cheating, lying party wins. And she may want him back, but there is an internal struggle because she thinks she should leave him. Either she comes back after he makes her feel good about herself, and about him. Or it’s worse and she goes back crawling with incredibly low self-esteem.
In both scenarios he’s come out of it more powerful, and she more weakened.
But the problem of course, the reason she’s coming back, is that there is a super high chance that she likes him even more.
BECAUSE he was totally not sympathetic to her needs!
It’s a Mr.Big and Carrie like situation, from Sex and the City.
She was always the one to break up, because he refused to play by her rules. But that’s what made him so exciting.
So that’s how normal relationships in the normal world play out.
Either both parties play by those rules, and are a team.
Or either one doesn’t and the whole thing feels off.
Whereas a good mistress plays an entirely different game which will allow her to keep her calm with even the most cunning man. So you don’t want to lose six seasons, before you get your Mr.Big? And you don’t want to lose your self-esteem the next time he gaslights you?
Then pay attention.
The key to being a good mistress, versus being a frustrated mistress, or a frustrated partner, is to solve all your shit INTERNALLY.
And without even raising an eyebrow!
You must show absolutely nothing.
And just like in poker, it is crucial that you play your cards right.
Brace yourself, because the moment you can’t project this on a lover, you will practically be overwhelmed by a terrible feeling of insecurity, fear, bad memories and so on. And the painful realization that you have made him the solution. That you were angry because you wanted him to behave in some magic way, so that you didn’t have to feel all that.
That he makes you feel loved, so that you’re never lonely.
That he convinces you, you’re the only one, so that you’re never jealous.
Or that he tells you everything about his adventures, so that there are no secrets anymore and you don’t have to feel left out.
And so on.
But the truth is, that as long as you make you feeling good about yourself dependent on somebody else? It’s never going to be enough.
The holes in your soul cannot be filled by finding the right man.
YOU are the one who has to fix them.
And from that perspective, I have found it extremely beneficial to be a mistress, instead of in a normal relationship.
I have no choice but to fix the holes myself.
And ironically, keeping up the facade is the first step. Because if I play happy and in control, I feel happy and in control.
It’s that easy.
And then after this game of sitting through it, and fake it till you make it, I find out that I really am okay.
Always.
Even if he doesn’t call, or doesn’t seem to value me the way I think I “should be” valued – because of who I am, what we have, or any of those things.
My lover, to whom I am a secret mistress, has allowed me to grow stronger and more mature, way more than if I had stayed with men who understood me,  were willing to accommodate me, and work around my fears and insecurities.
I understand the rules of normal relationships, and few would trade them for a game where the stakes are high, there is no “us”, and either you learn how to play?
Or you’re out.
But I fear the comfort of a normal relationship, as if it was the devil himself. 

~The Mistress

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White Heat

Erotica writer by day.
Yoga teacher by night.
That’s how LS Harteveld has lived her life for over a decade.
Which was all fine until she stopped being a yoga teacher and now two parts of her personality are at each other’s throats.

You don’t decide to end a fifteen year career as a yoga teacher overnight.
I had actually already made the decision last summer, but turned it back when I realized I needed the studio address, due to Dutch legislation.
Unless I looked forward to having my home address being made public by the Chamber of Commerce.
Eh… public address, while writing hot stories about my sex life?
Unacceptable.
Dutch legislation is pretty strict.
Writers too, have to register as entrepreneurs.
So I decided to stay on as a yoga teacher. That way I could make the money back on my business location. The only thing I changed was I switched from teaching group classes to privates.
And I was doing okay.
Or maybe I just didn’t really think about it and had made a pragmatic decision.
But last Wednesday I ran into a colleague and she asked how I was doing. 

“I don’t know really. I just realized my calendar is empty. I don’t have any appointments anymore.”
I could still give it an extra push and use the upcoming months to make my new business work. But if I would stop now I wouldn’t have to inform or disappoint anybody.
I could just sneak out.
There had already been enough drama and goodbyes when I had ended my group classes. And now after the initial bookings my calendar was open… 
I was free.
“I have no idea how I feel about this,” I said to my colleague.
But it was clear that the lack of clients wasn’t exactly crushing me.
And indeed, within a day after the conversation with my colleague, I made the decision to quit and this time for good. I was pretty relieved, maybe a bit numb.
Until the truth kicked in and I fell into a crisis.
It was as if every part of my personality had to be taken down before I could be rebuild.
After a few days I woke up still feeling sore, and with the same violent headache that had put me to sleep. But before I got up, I saw a vision.
Who I was supposed to be.

How I was supposed to look.
And what I was supposed to do.
The headache disappeared and I felt reborn.
From now on I would be a fulltime writer.
Which was honestly just a formality, a choice to call it by its name because I had been writing erotica and diaries under pen name LS Harteveld for over a decade.
And I had six years of writing for my studio, under my belt.
Writing had already been a fulltime job and every time I had been in the middle of a writing spree and had to go to the studio, I had felt where my loyalty lay.
And what could easily be suspended.
But from now on it was official, and I really was a writer.
I was going to keep writing under both names, both accounts.
Which was funny because up until now I had always assumed LS Harteveld had been my “real” writing. That the other stuff, under my real name, was just to position myself and sell the yogaclasses.
But I now realized that I liked that work too.
I could curate that, and create it into books, and make it even better by including some extra posts from LS Harteveld!
For example my pieces on Star Wars, Madonna or pop culture.
There was no reason to have a pen name or be secretive about those.
I looked forward to positioning myself as a rebel yoga teacher, under my real name. Who after fifteen years was going to share what she really thought.
And suddenly I was thinking along a line that was making LS Harteveld territorial. I could hear her growling every time I added a topic or a blogpost of hers that would look pretty neat in my rebel yoga teacher book.
But it wasn’t until I was considering including my pieces on Steve Holmes and pornography, that I felt I was crossing a line.
I was breaking the agreement that LS Harteveld would have the diaries, and sexually explicit content. Therefor I could not call my debut book under my real name:
How I was enlightened by Madonna, Kylo Ren and pornography.
Before I could consider how I would actually feel about discussing double penetration on national TV, that last word (pornography) would already have LS Harteveld stepping in.
“Sex is ME. Porn is MY PART!”
No matter how famous I would be, under my real name, it would always be the toned down version of me. The side everyone, from the mailman to the exes from a hundred years ago, could Google. A highly productive side, that had her own blog, published rebel yoga books, and was a true power woman.
But like Yin and Yang, it would still be just the light half.
Holding only a little spot of darkness.
And everybody would be all like:
“Oh wow! She’s showing her dark side. How brave!”
Not knowing that the real darkness, including Steve Holmes, pornography, and double penetration, were all kept somewhere else.
Like treasures.
Safely stored, on the dark side.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

White Heat is the twenty-sixth chapter from Project M. 

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Both parts of my split writer personality are in love with
the dark side warrior Kylo Ren:

it’s all in your head | The Mistress Speaks episode 2

There is a saying:
“Space is your most precious piece of furniture.”
Everybody who’s ever worked with an architect or interior designer will have heard of it.
And I wonder:
Why is it that when it comes to spaces we are well aware that an expensive hotelroom feels like an invitation to stay in, make love, and leave after a few hours or a few days with memories that will last you until your next date or the rest of your life?
And yet we tend to stuff both our houses, but also our relationships, with stuff we picked up along the way, and that we may not even be particularly happy with?
Why are we willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a hotelroom, and yet at the same time allow junk into our own homes?
You can see it in your house if you’re holding on to stuff that doesn’t make you happy. But there are also plenty of people who don’t do that, and even have routines to keep their home clean. Including a place for weird things, like clothes that are to be taken to the sewing shop, or borrowed things that need to be returned to their owner.
Every object has got a home.
And yet!
When it comes to their relationships, they can find themselves carrying around a ton of unsorted expectations, disappointments, and even adopted beliefs from others which they never bothered to organize, declutter, or look after.
They simply assume that there will be one partner, who will just tie aaaaalllll loose ends together.
And I have been like that myself, so I don’t blame you.
For a long time I assumed that my sexual healing would come from having the perfect lover. I know now that sexual healing is an inside job, and it may actually be wiser to not have a lover during the time you’re figuring stuff out.
It all comes down to not having the parts of your personality, or your beliefs, in place, that you’re going to need in order to do your part of your perfect time between the sheets, or your part in the relationship.
If Mr.Right or Mrs.Right comes along when you’re still a hot mess, then don’t turn them away. But definitely don’t assume that becoming good at relationships, or sex, is something you need a partner for.
It’s all in the head.
Repeat.
IT S ALL IN THE HEAD.
And once you’ve got it figured out in there, you can be with anyone you choose.
One of the things my lover keeps bringing up as a reason why he thinks our relationship has not been properly tested (enough for him to consider giving up his marriage), is that we spent so little time together.
And I always tell him that if we would see more of each other, nothing would change in that area.
I’m simply extremely good at relationships.
That’s not a lucky shot, nor is it something that would change if we had more time together.
What is interesting, is something I picked up from the BDSM scene. Although the word mistress means the dominant in the BDSM scene, in my case being a mistress is my preferred relationship form. I can see the benefits of being the other woman.
But within my affair, I’m submissive.
I let him decide when he wants to see me and in bed I take great pleasure in doing “as I’m told”. Quotation marks, because a good dominant works his butt off to please you and read your signals, but maybe you already knew that.
Anyway my lover and me are role players. We will “play”anything in which he is the dominant and I’m the submissive.
Again quotation marks, because our play is very informal, and often doesn’t take more than a few words. We never dress the part or anything. No whips are involved.
S0 although we’re not part of the BDSM scene, I did pick up a wisdom from that scene that really hit home for me:
The dominant wants to feel needed. The submissive needs to feel wanted.
This sentence gives the Achilles heel to my relationship coping skills:
I, the harmonious submissive, need to feel wanted.
If he would demand the impossible, or is angry with me or anything like that;
I can handle it.
But if I feel unwanted, for example if my presence would be ignored, then I would leave. Staying would be unbearable, and make me incredibly sad.
So a very important part of me being good at this relationship is that I have this picture of my role in my head. And I can also see how I could potentially ruin our entire relationship, if I would do anything to undermine his power.
This does also require a dominant/ a man to stand his ground.
I don’t need to get a spanking or anything – although I wouldn’t mind! – but it is crucial that a man immediately calls me out on it, if I cross the line.
So having this picture in my head of our desired power dynamic, is a fantastic guideline for me.
And then there is the second.
I have to hand it to my lover: this one is indeed currently (still?) tied to being his secret mistress.
Because the second image I have in my head, on who I want to be within our affair and which guides me, is that of someone who you associate with the good times, with feeling loved and admired.
Someone who will enjoy every minute of your time together.
However, here’s the trick:
This is not just to please him!
I get so much pleasure out of it myself. I get to leave all my emotional baggage behind, my old limited self; And be a new and improved version of me.
When I go on a date with my lover, I not just step out of my house, but also out of my old shell.
And into a life filled with sparkles, love and laughter.
A thousand dollar hotel room.

~The Mistress

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Live to tell

Lauren has already brought her complicated love life back to minimalist innocence, but almost missed out on writing her masterpiece.
Or rather;
A Mistresspiece.

It was in the final 5 minutes of our coaching call when it hit me!
Creativity coach
 Sara and me had been going over my newfound love for my yoga studio, and my decision to write only for pleasure.
Not as a business model.
However, with writing not making any money of its own, my desire to step up, educate, entertain or even speak about being a secret mistress had vanished.
No money, no honey.
Which was fine because I was totally uninspired to curate my pieces on mistresshood and sexuality, for a book called The Big Mistress.
And felt even more hopeless about writing a comprehensive mistress guide where I would teach all the lessons I had learned along the way.
Twelve steps in becoming a mistress or something.
I don’t know.
Whatever it was, I didn’t want to write it.
And I didn’t want to compose my books from the perspective of helping people either. The thought that I had to break it down to the level where everybody had their fears dealt with and had their biggest objections addressed?
In the unlikely situation I would actually succeed making my mistress model into a self-help tool, it would be a toothless tiger.
And still put me at risk of scrutiny or social exclusion.
I just wasn’t willing to take the fall for that.
But then again, to have another framework – yet again!- slip through my fingers the moment it was ready to be released into the world?
That was painful.
Sara comforted me by saying that although I am one of those artists who has qualities throughout the whole cycle of the creative process, my true passion lies at the beginning of it.
With The Expressionist.
That is where I pick from The Void, a subject of interest. It can be something no one appreciates yet, or it can be something that others deeply respect.
It can be a sacred thing.
I snatch it out of the air.
Study it, chew on it, try things out.
I examine it, dissect it, turn it inside out, and fix the pieces temporarily, onto some sort of already existing foundation.
And then I start building it up from there.
Connecting the different pieces, and going higher and higher.
Ultimately, I take the earliest framework out from underneath it, only the finalized structure remains.
And then it is done.
The Mistress Framework for the other woman.
Or the White Tigress work for single women.
Even a yoga book I had practically all done and ready… and I never published it.
Because when it is time for it to start making its own money, and for me to illustrate  how the model can benefit you. When it is my time to guide, to listen, to understand?
All I want to do is crawl under a rock and die.
Which is why all those creative endeavors start highly productive, yet always end with me wasting months in resistance, and ultimately abandoning the project. Because I realize that I m not going to do this work that I SHOULD do.
Fuck the shoulds!
I just wasted months of my life, NOT creating what I really wanted to make. NOT being in alignment.
NOT living from soul.
And instead eyeing out this project as if it was a one liter bottle of cod-liver oil I had to gobble down before I was allowed to go on with the rest of my life, maybe.
Because my first priority would be to talk about the finished project, and guide it into the world like a baby taking its first steps. You can’t build an audience and a following unless you’re available to talk about the finished product!
But I didn’t want that cod-liver oil…. I didn’t want fame, or money. I didn’t even want to help anyone. I just wanted my life back!
And Sara?
My bold and beautiful creativity coach?
She GOT that!
She has understood a long time ago, that although I use guides myself (hiring coaching at critical stages of my life or business) I AM not a coach myself.
I am an artist.
I’m also an inspirator, an energizer, an uplifter.
YES!
I can build you up, just like those models. Using some tools and frameworks that we can ultimately take out, because they’re no longer needed.
That’s when you are standing on top of the mountain, and you spread your wings.
And you can fly.
We will both delighted at how magnificent you have become.
But I’m only good with people who know they want to fly. Who are CONVINCED they can fly, and just need someone to show them the hows.
But even all that?
Is not my task as a writer, not as an artist.
Here, I want to express freely.
No wonder I look at all those helpful books I could write, based on everything that I now know, as if they’re a death sentence. The thought of creating a book on a subject that I have outgrown, is almost blasphemy.
And then I saw it!
“Sara! It just hit me! I know what it is!”
I yelled into our Zoom connection, excitedly jumping up and down my chair.
“I know the answer, I really do!”
When we started working together, Sara made me fill out a creative framework
and it brought up the most peculiar result…. at the far end of the creative process.
It was the phase where you share your work with the world.
And although I hit some marks here and there, that would help me to get my work across, I felt the biggest emotional connection to the final personality marker.
The Disruptor.
It is the one who weakens and ultimately destroys existing structures of power or social conventions.
It takes down anything false or
redundant.
And contrary to a guide a Disruptor leaves chaos and doesn’t offer any solutions. His gift is that he releases you from the lies you’ve been living in.
“It’s just like what Alexander Mc.Queen said about his fashion shows, Sara!”
He had defended his bloody, misogynistic fashion shows with titles like “Jack the Ripper stalks his victims” and “Highland Rape” by stating:
I don’t want you to walk out feeling you’ve just had Sunday lunch!
I want you to be repulsed or exhilarated. As long as it’s an emotion.
“Sara, that’s my final stage of a project!
It’s a show, a one-off thing.
It’s where I speak my whole truth and in the process blow everything up!”
So that there will be a void, from which new life, new art, will be born again.

NB: within an hour after my call with Sara, I offered The Mistress a place behind my desk. I asked her to tell us everything she knows.
And to not spare us.
A Mistress Speaks.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Mindset Yoga: de echte life makeover (Nijmegen)

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Live to tell is the twenty-fifth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

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These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
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99.9% of men don’t have a mistress | The Mistress Speaks episode 1

Oh finally, she lets me speak?
Now that LS Harteveld has stopped writing her dairy because due to recent events, there was just no way she could keep sharing her love life without jeopardizing the secret identity of her lover?
Or perhaps future lovers, plural.
Because who ever believed men could restrain themselves right?
I certainly don’t. 
What a woman wants a woman gets. Even when she pulls herself out of the erotically charged equation, God will find a way to put the two of you together. Or the three of you.
So that he or she can lean back with a bowl of popcorn and watch the show of you seeing Life take over your perfectly rationalized way out of passion.
When was that ever going to work.
We’re talking about the second strongest power in the human body. The only thing stronger than sexual power, is your ability to kill and commit monstrous crimes (or are they really?) in order to stay alive.
Perhaps this rules vegans out from being successful cheaters.
I ve never met a vegan with a mistress, so I wouldn’t know. But if you want to have a mistress and enjoy it? You must be able put your will to live above that of someone else – before you can put your own pleasure over someone else’s jealousy.
And to not be consumed by guilt, afterwards.
But being vegan or otherwise overly responsible is really not the only sign your husband is NOT a cheater. 
That is the insane thing, when women meet me, they immediately assume I m after their man, or married men in general. Or against the entire system of marriage.
Not true.
First of all, the system of marriage works brilliantly as an economic and emotional treaty where you can accomplish way more things as a team than you can on your own.
So naturally, depending on your economic and emotional needs and wants, you will be susceptible to the idea of joining forces. Problems arise when one of the two parties think they will have bigger benefits (again whether economically or emotionally) if they team up with someone else.
Then a mistress-cheater situation can exist as stepping stone to a new marriage. But this is not my territory.
I am not their patron!
However I feel these homewreckers are not what scares married women. Those new women are after the same thing they once were. It’s hard not to sympathize with them at some level..
No, what triggers them is that I don’t prey on their husband. That I will “only” be the one he has the best sex of his life with, and there isn’t a goddamn thing they can do about it. 

Let’s assume I m right.
That it is the “real” mistress that infuriates them, and not the one by default.
Then my existence is still irrelevant for 99.9% of the marriages. Because most husbands are unfit to have a mistress. They’re not interested or capable of investing that much time and wooing; not in risking their entire life and marriage, and so on.
They really can’t be bothered, or they don’t have the confidence.
And this is great news because no mistress can turn your man into someone who goes out there, takes life by the balls, and spontaneously starts to play chess like a Pro, on two different boards at the same time. 
It’s just not possible.
If you’re a married woman, and you’re reading this, and you are wondering if your husband would, could, has? Then I have fantastic news.
Because either he didn’t.
OR
He did, but he belongs to the one percent within the one percent who can actually pull that off, which makes him a great catch in his own right.
HOWEVER
And this is important,
IF you think your relationship has gone from bad to worse a long time ago, and he’s not giving you attention, and things are sour?! Then please:
Address those issues in their own right.
Go save your marriage, get therapy, have a heart to heart, but leave cheating out of it. Either he is or he isn’t, is really none of your business. Especially not if your marriage has not been doing well. Make sure it starts doing well again.
Him cheating can exist within a great marriage.
And him being faithful doesn’t necessarily make a good husband.
I ve already talked too long. What can I say? Few will let me talk, and my frustration just bubbles up from inside of me.
Maybe that’s something I can close with:
Frustration is very unsexy and toxic. And it’s what happens if you focus on the stuff that you can’t control.
Like me.

~The Mistress

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Papa don’t preach

Lauren has grown tired of her badass mistress act, and comfortably snuggles into her new image of the girl next door. Just in time to give that exciting persona back to its rightful owner! 

On my second night at the same bar – accidentally two friends had asked me on a date – the bartender brought me (underscore me!) my cutlery for my (underscore my!) pizza, and apologized:
“I don’t dare to place a second set of cutlery on your table.”
Like many bars, it had been under the impression that people enjoyed sharing food.
Which I didn’t.
On the first night, when serving the pizza, the waiter had said my pizza tasted so good, I should give a piece to my friend. And then my friend could let me taste from her dish.
I looked at him, jaw dropping, and said:
“Anybody who knows me – even remotely – knows I don’t share food.”
He had gotten the message, obviously.
The funny thing is that at the end of this second night, he said:
“See you tomorrow!”
“Noooo! Tomorrow I really won’t be here! This was just a coincidence.”
But a third friend just texted me, if I could make it tonight!
So I ll be going for my third pizza within an hour.
The reason I absolutely didn’t plan on going out tonight, was because I already had my social life covered for today. I had a date with someone I had met through social media.
This is what I thought she would be like:
At least fifteen years younger than me.
Extremely shy or perhaps autistic.
Looking up to me.
The only thing I knew for sure was that she was highly intelligent.
This is how she really was:
My age.
She threw herself at me with a kiss, apologizing:
“I m sorry, I m a hugger.”
She was the most worldly, easy going and exciting woman you could possibly imagine. And her ideas were A-MA-ZING!
I used to have a friend who was at the same level of awesomeness, but she drifted out of my life years ago. Saving the world on another continent.
This new friend made me just want to suck up every word she spoke. Her entire energy, everything.
I suddenly felt how thirsty I had been to be in the company of someone like her.
Someone like me, in the sense that she is charismatic (oh yes- I will give myself that credit!) but who actually has a life to back that shit up.
Here’s my life:
Living alone with cat, anti-social, hates to leave the house.
Here’s her life:
You try to pin that down, and you just lost.
She’s one of those people who can’t be bothered with material possessions or the safety of a relationship, and who’s on the verge of turning her whole life upside down. Always.
We did share a love for “bad” boys;
Men who seemed to have escaped from the Dutch habit of becoming completely docile in the company of their partner. I told her about a foreign girl I used to know, who had spent two years here for her studies.
She only knew three Dutch words:
Onder de plak.
Which means something like henpecked, or whipped.
And she had been totally disgusted by seeing her foreign male friends “turn” onder de plak as well!
I told my new friend that my lover wasn’t anything like that. That he bothers to defend himself, and immediately understands when he is being manipulated.
You see, I don’t like to boss around, or project my fears onto him, or anything. But sometimes I slip, and something leaves my mouth that I immediately regret.
It’s so wonderful to then “have” a man (ha! you never have these men of course!) who responds like he just got stung and immediately calls you out on it:
“Hey! Stop that!”
Foreign women, on the other hand, were usually delighted with Dutch men! Who made reliable, peaceful householders.
And my new friend and me wondered if we could trade them.
Our Dutch men to the Mediterranean countries and South America. Where they would make fantastic husbands.
And invite their bad boys to come live here with us, where they would be appreciated for their exotic, Don Juan nature.
On our way home to the station we touched on the subject of my submissiveness in bed: something she had a good laugh about.
Especially when I said I didn’t like to have normal sex where “all these things are expected of me.”
I wanted to surrender completely, and be possessed and dominated. I didn’t want any responsibility.
And she explained to me, that was probably why I had such strong boundaries. Because indeed, we had shared multiple stories (non sexual) where in the exact same situation, she had had a go-with-the-flow attitude;
And I had pushed back and successfully claimed a position of power.
The pleasure I got in the bedroom, from submitting fully to a lover, could only exist because I defended my boundaries in real life, with iron fist.
I complimented the waiter, that he had remembered that I was going to eat the pizza by myself.
He said:
“Sure. Like in Friends. Joey doesn’t share food.”

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Mindset Yoga: de echte life makeover (Nijmegen)

NEW connect on Linkedin

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Papa don’t preach is the twenty-fourth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

True Blue

True Blue was the first single of Madonna’s third album, True Blue (1986). Which like many albums, marked the beginning of a new era for her as well.

“When in love, have sex.
When not in love, don’t.”
After twelve years of analyzing her sexual preferences: Lauren realizes it really was that simple!
She feels a new person.

Last night when we picked up the bill, the bartender asked us:
“And? Got plans for tonight?”
Going to finish my blogpost,” I answered truthfully.
“Will I be in it?” he asked.
“Not unless you’re going to have a deep emotional impact on me. Can you do that?”
We laughed it off, but it was true though.
Yesterday’s blogpost marked the ending of an era where I had called my blog a diary, inspired by real life.
Over the past months I had to alter so many things, that I had lost all emotional involvement with my story. It was as if I had met Brad Pitt in real life because I had become friends with Angelina Jolie;
But in order to protect their identities I had to write about it as if I ran into Ryan Gosling at the supermarket:
It was just stupid.
And what I had not even shared – when explaining my choice to go dark when it came to sharing my personal life – was that there had been a series of events that were simply too FAR OUT to alter in order to write about them.
For example: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt getting back together and asking me to be a bridesmaid on their second wedding. 

It really was already a life imitates art situation, where the unbelievable had happened.
Altering it, to make it unrecognizable, would make it impossible for me to keep the facts straight for my story! And besides, altering HOW?
Everything was still in progress!
I had no idea in which way I could bend the truth, without screwing up the narrative.

So in the end I just decided to see it as a sign, that my life had become to complicated and secretive to keep a diary.
It was time to turn inward.
Yesterday’s post marked the beginning of the new era, where I would only write about my inner-world and avoid the pitfalls of revealing the identities of the men I slept with, wanted to sleep with, or even worse:
Didn’t want to sleep with.
And I also avoided the trap of revealing too much personal information, that wasn’t mine to share.
After posting it, I slept like a baby, and today I felt so light and peaceful.
The weight of secrecy and the heaviness of being a mistress;
It had all dropped off me.

From now on, I was a girl next door, who made love when she was in love.
And didn’t if she wasn’t.
Life really was that simple.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Mindset Yoga: de echte life makeover (Nijmegen)

NEW connect on Linkedin

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

True Blue is the twenty-third chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Into the Groove | Kickstarting my new life!

After not writing for over a week, Lauren comes up, gasping for air.
But with purpose.

This is not the original version of the blogpost Into the Groove. Which was written in draft on my offline laptop on Saturday September 22, with the intention of doing the editing/cleaning up/ posting bit later.
That always takes so much time!
I thought I could get away with simply writing my posts in draft – and post them later, when I had more time.
And not just for LS Harteveld!
For my yoga site too, I wrote an offline blog post on Sunday.
Yet despite being in favor of the idea of writing offline, both blogposts were a fluke and I was so happy I hadn’t posted them.
For different reasons.
But the fact that it happened two days in a row, to two separate blog posts, written in two different languages and for two different blogs?
That convinced me that offline writing was a waste of time.
That it brought out the worse of my writing capabilities.
The reason I was happy I hadn’t used my yogapost, was because it was just SO ugly! The topic, the revelations, simply everything about it.
I went on a holiday, and I was shook to my core thinking about the ugliness of what I had created. Waiting for me on an offline laptop, in order to be transferred and sent out into the world.
Lucky me, I had an opportunity to pull that back.
The only thought that was even more frightening on this holiday, were the thoughts about the other offline blog post I had written!
The one for this blog, LS Harteveld.
It had been in the style I have been using here for the past couple of months, on Project M. Diary like-posts, inspired by my real life and in particular the men in my life.
But I have altered these “truths” significantly!
Which gives problems of its own (more about that later), but that was not the biggest flaw of Saturday’s post.
Because this particular diary post about the two men I am in love with, had been too close to the truth!
If I had not written a draft offline, but instead had gotten 3-4 hours to finish it and post it immediately – in one go, like almost all my posts – that thing would have gone online!
Way too close to revealing the identity/identities of the men I am in love with.
The thought made me sick to my stomach.
Not that revealing something that makes you sick to your stomach, is a reason not to do it!
Not at all.
But it should be purposeful.
For example:
As of today I will only write for this blog, the one you’re reading now.
And cancel all writing for my yoga blog, which has been the worse place to do soul searching and share myself with the world.
My yogablog has been the pinnacle of risk-free writing.
But here?
I can write everything.
Dig deep and expose my soul until its deepest, darkest layers, without everyone from my neighbor to the admin employee from the housing corporation, reading it too.
And I am ready to give all, including the things that make me sick to my stomach. So it’s not that I intend to stay away from the edges, and only write about things that are either in the past, or within my comfort zone.
Far from that.
But the “deleted” post, that was too close to the truth with regard to the identity to the men in my life, didn’t have anything to do with my personal development.
It had to do with unintentionally, revealing identities.
Which brought me to another aspect of my DIARY writing.
After doing this for twelve years I am just done with it.
Not just dealing with the secret mistress/ oh don’t tell anyone, side of keeping a diary.
No.
I m done with ALL of it.
With writing columns about dates or events.
And about friends who may or may not like me writing about it.
I m even done with positioning myself as a secret mistress.
I know that I ve advocated for years that being a secret mistress is a sexual preference and one about which I have so much to tell!
Speaking about mistresshood would make women with the same set of sexual preferences as me, very happy.
Women with a love for secrecy, unavailable men, and who are submissive in bed, definitely submissive …yes!
My story about the sexual nature of a mistress would help them.
But even that is something I don’t want to do anymore.
For the past year or so I ve been convinced that I could increase my impact, if I would clean up my diary-writing-mistress act into something along the lines of:
“Hi! I m the Good Mistress! I m here to help!”
Write guides. Make YouTube videos. Sell coaching.
It would even allow me to ditch the diary writing and regain freedom in my personal life. Have privacy.
I would be a professional from now on. Someone who had been the mistress of someone she referred to as Mr.Big, until summer 2018. And after that I took my private life off the radar and only spoke about it past tense.
And only if it was relevant to SERVE.
Bad.
BAD.
B.A.D.
Idea!
The draft horror post- my potential data leak! – confirmed for me;
Yes!
I WAS done trying to rewrite my personal life, changing enough names and locations, professions, situations, so that that NO ONE (not even the men themselves!) could recognize them.
I was done because by altering so much, keeping a diary had lost its charm.
I couldn’t put enough reality in it to make it satisfying for me.
Because it wasn’t a problem for the reader that the second man I was in love (Christopher) with was “played” by Idris Elba (I used Idris Elba photos with those posts);
but it was a problem for me.
Because that was NOT how he looked.
Nor were Christophers wife and the wife of Mr.Big members of sketchy semi-religious organizations that could harm me.
That was simply a story-line I had setup to describe the risks of repercussions I was exposed to. It was a framework, a story, to cover for any aggression against me if my position as a secret mistress became known. And also the economic losses such as assets, reputation, business.
But the wives of the two men I am in love with are not Scientologists or sectarians, and if they were I wouldn’t know because I never researched them nor do I know them.
So in the end two non-posted blog posts, one butt-ugly for my yoga blog and one way-too-revealing one for LS Harteveld – in combination with a few days off and fresh sea air, gave me tremendous value because they gave me HUGE insights!

Here’s the decisions I made after “Draft Post Gate I and II”:

1. I will no longer write for my Dutch blog/ yoga blog

The word Dutch is already key here…
I ve honestly considered quitting my English writing!
Quit all LS Harteveld and instead focus entirely on my Dutch work. Be 100% there, revealing ALL, regardless of the consequences!
But it’s simply not possible.
I would ALWAYS need to write in English somewhere.
But the other reason I m not going to write for my Dutch yoga blog anymore is in fact that the consequences are bigger there:
It’s under my real name.
Therefor, people who have no interest in my work, but just happen to Google my name can also read it.
And I don’t like that.
I m pretty open there, but I reserve the best, most honest parts for this site, for this account. Because my mailman doesn’t read it.
And I could continue writing the simple, barely-scratching -the-surface posts for my yoga blog, but I m simply not interested to keep writing pretty bland and generic coaching posts.
Sure! I ve kept them as interesting as possible.
But they will never be GREAT.
No one will ever read a yoga blog post, written to not set off the even most random person who Googles me, and go;
“Wow! That is so full on!”
Which is why I will never write for my Dutch blog again.

2. I will simply sell from here

Yeah… sell. I know that’s probably a dirty word, but in that case, it’s also cool. You don’t have to buy my coaching.
But if you LOVE these blogposts?
LOVE me revealing everything?
You will just come to a point where you will want to work with me!
That’s how it will go, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I haven’t taken the step to international coaching but my private studio for life makeovers is in Nijmegen, and you can read that page right here
So from now on, I will simply make my “yoga” sales call here at the bottom of this English, tell-all blogpost.
And ditch the entire idea that I have to write Dutch, bland, posts in order to sell anything.
My soul mate clients will want to read the real story, and they will not get that if I keep giving some watered down version of myself and of the truth.
Writing here daily, revealing all, is the easiest way to speak to your heart, without the rest of the world, or Nijmegen, listening in.

3. I m quitting the diary thing

I m quitting the diary thing, because I m no longer inspired to write about what happens in real life, and make some cool story out of it.
Especially since I have to alter the truth, when it comes to sex and love, to the extend that I m no longer emotionally involved in it.
I need Idris Elba covering for us!
That’s a sign you’ve strayed way too far from the truth.
And events that don’t have anything to do with sex or love?
I ve written MORE than my share about those things. It already filled me an entire bookstore.
(ps- drop me an email if you’re in The Netherlands and want to buy directly from me! I m going to sell my inventory in October)
Maybe I should say:
I m quitting the diary writing about the outer world,
In favor of writing about my inner world.
Which brings me to quitting the mistress thing;

3. I m quitting the mistress thing

I m quitting because “mistress” is starting to feel like a too tight definition, and a cause I m no longer interested in.
You see – this holiday I was feeling all sorry for myself, that the second man I m in love with is yet another married man. And that if we would hit it off, whether once or in secret, or on an open and more permanent basis;
Everybody would condemn me.
They would ALL treat the entire situation like:
“He was a happily married man, and then she came along, and now it’s all ruined.”
You know what? I m no longer available for that.
I will remove ALL references to me being a mistress, from all my profiles;
When I publish my new book, I will call it diaries or columns.
But never use the word mistress again.
Over the past couple of weeks, in addition to trying to come to terms with being in love with another married man, I also looked for/ considered getting a second lover because I m seeing my lover Mr.Big so little.
And you know what I concluded?
That sex without being crazy in love, means nothing to me.
EVEN if Mr.Big would end things, and I would become single, and therefor have no sex at all?
95% Chance I ll take the no-sex option.
Not the cute guy-great sex.
Not the great guy- fantastic sex.
Not the friend with benefits.
And so on.
I would wait until someone I was in love with wanted to make love to me.
THAT’S IT!
That’s my whole sexuality right there.
Twelve years since I left my longterm relationship in order to find love and get to know myself sexually, and this really is what my entire philosophy on sex is:
When in love, have sex.
When not in love, don’t.
And I m never going to explain, reframe, or apologize for that ever EVER again! Because there’s nothing to apologize for.
And I will curate the work I made during my mistress years.
But none of the posts that have to do with me being a mistress, and explaining or even defending mistresshood, will be included.
I m not going to publish those specific mistress posts in a book, nor create a guide on how to become a mistress or such.
I might even take them down, I don’t know yet.
My work, from now on, will be me writing about my dreams, goals, ideas, wishes, desires. And sure, I ll use stories to spice it up.
But they will only be about things and people and experiences that move me.
I will write about being in love for sure.
And sex.
But no names, no places, no situations, not even fake ones.
It’s all gone.
From now on, it’s just me, and my emotions.
No label.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Mindset Yoga: de echte life makeover (Nijmegen)

NEW connect on Linkedin

Into the Groove is the twenty-second chapter from Project M. 
Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Dress you up

Although “Start before you’re ready” is one of Lauren’s favorite sayings, she has serious doubts about her double booking as a secret mistress.
Does she really want a second lover?

“Of course he comes into my life right now!”
It took me at least a day to put two and two together after my former lover Salvatore and me hit it off on chat, and arranged our date in a carefree fashion.
I m not too big on writing out affirmations, in order to change my mindset or manifest things. However, I do create entire worlds based on my imagination, and often use a version of my past self (whether real or made up, that is completely irrelevant) to live up to.

To BECOME.
Usually I’m only interested in becoming her body, or recreating the level of success “she” had or has. And that’s how I was currently using the 2009 version of me!
It was a quite a new thing, and I hadn’t written it out in my journal. The vision was still fairly rough.
But it felt real all the same.
And then, out of the blue, Salvatore sent me a chat, and I replied, and within ten minutes we were completely excited to see each other again and set a date.
I thought back about our time together, and vividly remembered not just him, but myself in his house, in his bed, looking at myself in the mirror..
My beautiful thin thighs!
My trained yoga body!
“Oh wow,” I softly sighed at the thought of that.
“I would give anything to be like that again.”

But it took me a day to realize that Salvatore was THE man of 2009! 
Of course I had manifested him, if I was so focused on recreating 2009. I had the 2009 thighs in my mind for over a week, before he contacted me.
When we met we reminisced on old memories, and he remembered vividly how fragile I was. He even used the word “broken”. 
I said he had been my first time really good sex, without some major drama happening after.
He broke up with me, and I was sad for a few weeks.
But it was nothing compared to the major emotional breakdowns I had after Great Sex With Great But Totally Unreliable Men.
Maybe because Salvatore was not unreliable, maybe that was the big difference.
We came to the conclusion that although he had been the one to break it off, he had actually saved us both a lot of heartache.
And I had a spree of short but successful affairs, all within months of us parting.

“It was like I owned it,” I told him.  “As if you had taught me everything I needed to know.”
Salvatore came pretty close to banging his head to the table to express the unfairness of it all. He had gotten the fragile, broken version of me, with whom he had to be very careful and really sweet.
He was also the first to be dominant in bed. I think that was the secret ingredient that elevated me to a level where I was suddenly a little Sex Goddess.
And those men after him benefited from my newfound joy in sex.
Yet if I had been that lighthearted with him, he probably would have married me!
No, it wasn’t fair at all.
But yet I thought it was very funny.
2009 had been divided into two parts:
The first half belonged to the first years of being single, which were marked by getting my heart broken twice, barely living to tell the tale, and having a lot of trouble getting my love life on the road.
And then came Salvatore and tadaa!
I was healed.
Or at least, doing way better, and I was certainly a lot more “mobile”.
Salvatore had marked the beginning of a new era then, and he could be the beginning of a new era now.
He made this clear in the days after our date: He could be my second lover, if that’s what I desired.
And I knew he was serious because he added:
“I have a lot more to lose than you do.”
But still, I could lose my lover Big.
Either because he didn’t want me anymore.
Or because I became such a mental mess from having two men, that things between us would just turn sour.
But Salvatore could lose his whole family.
So I knew he was right. This made it even more important to have a serious check-in with myself, if I really wanted this.
The stakes were way too high to just wing it, and see how it would go.
And I know it is superboring, and not good for storytelling or writing this blog; but I knew it wasn’t right for me.
And once I knew WHY it wasn’t for me, I realized that this whole idea of getting a second lover, was incomplete and it wasn’t me.
It didn’t reflect what I valued.
You see, the idea to get a second lover was sparked by a combination of two separate events.
So two circumstances that were working in conjunction – not one.
The first circumstance or event was that Mr.Big didn’t want to see me as often as I liked.
This was way more than a sex thing.
We had platonic dates occasionally, but it wasn’t like he was throwing those around like candy. I usually had to work or wait, just as long and hard for those, as for the real ones that were long and private enough to have sex.
But in all fairness, Mr.Big and me had seen each other almost sporadically from the very beginning. It was nothing new. And although I had toyed with the idea of getting a second lover, at least once a year, I had always put it aside.
It was not for me.
I was a monogamist, and although I liked Mr.Big to have adventures, I knew that having them for myself would seriously jeopardize my relation and sexual experience with Mr.Big. I was sabotaging the pleasure of surrendering to Mr.Big; both sexually as well as calendar wise.
Not knowing when he wanted to see me, was in essence a pleasure enhancing experience.
Which I would lose if I would start having sex with someone else in the meantime.
But this year, the second event happened.
And I think it was this second thing, that suddenly gave the hypothetical idea of a second lover momentum;
I fell in love.
And it happened without me even noticing it, at first!
The only thing that in retrospect gave away something was up, was because I started rearranging my business (teaching yoga) and my second business (this writing) in a thousand ways.
It was madness I think.
But I was externalizing a restlessness inside of me.
I may not have consciously noticed my feelings for Christopher; But on an emotional level I was desperately trying to make that pain of longing go away, by controlling the things I could control.
All in vain of course.
No new business model is capable of solving being in love with two men.
Once I realized what was going on, the cat was out of the bag.
Christopher was the first new man I felt attracted to, ever since I fell for Mr.Big.  His monopoly on my heart, was broken.
After this revelation that I could and did have feelings for other men, my “Let’s get a second lover” phase got a lot more serious this year.
And even brought me face to face with Salvatore, who would be perfect as a second lover. I wasn’t in love with Salvatore, but considered that a good thing.
It would be a drama free experience for both.
But then I thought about Christopher, and how I had felt about him, in that short time when there  was a chance that he would become my second lover…
If he had said yes?
Man! I would have dived in head first!
Without any reservations and without coming up for air.
I would have gone all in.
And that’s when I realized the real reason I wanted a second lover didn’t have anything to do with sex. It had to do with love.
I was in love with Mr.Big and with Christopher.
But Salvatore had made it clear, maybe even back in 2009 really, that he didn’t want me to fall in love with him.
And I understood that.
And it was all I needed to know, to make up my mind.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

NEW connect on Linkedin

Dress you up is the twenty-first chapter from Project M. 
Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
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Like a Virgin

Lauren is crazy about her secret lover Mr.Big. And she loves having sex with him, but it happens only occasionally.
Which is why she’s having dinner with someone who could become her second lover. 

“How did I manage to miss this?!”
That was a sentence I was thinking a lot, the first half hour Salvatore and me had our date. Our short fling had lasted only a few nights and that was already nine years ago.
But how had I managed to miss he was this smart?!
Not just on an emotional level, but I had also failed to register the simple fact that he had been working on his PhD.
Had I been so blinded by his surfer/ musician act, that I had never considered that part of the attraction might have been that he was a brilliant academic?
He was now a fulltime engineer, and had gotten married to a Dutch girl, within a year after our little fling.
The moment I had seen the first baby photo on Facebook, I was glad how things had turned out. Because he was a younger than me, but I had not considered that he would want children.
Maybe because I felt that he was my senior.
It was so obvious he was totally okay with his sexuality, and I was still so scared.
I suffered from a phobia for hiv/std’s, that had kept me locked up in safe long-term relationships for decades. Salvatore met me after I had become single, in order to discover my own sexuality, despite of the fears.
He was one of the early lovers who had to deal with that, before I could relax, enjoy and have sex.

So here we were, nine years after it had all happened, getting to know each other again over dinner.
We were both taken: He had his family, and I had my secret lover Mr.Big.
But we were very aware that this situation might actually work in our advantage. 
Firstly, there was no longer the option of us getting serious –
something that he had been resisting. 
And there was also no longer the danger that I would get clingy or needy. My affair with Mr.Big had proven I could be a loving, and discrete mistress.
A wise mistress even.
The power difference, where I had wanted Salvatore to save me from my fears, was gone.
That I had not noticed the level of his education nor his emotional intelligence – his ability to work around all those humongous fears, comfort me, and initiate me into rough sex, all in one go- that was strange.
But I was even more taken aback by something he told me in the first five minutes: 
“I was absolutely crazy about you.”
Not “in love”. He didn’t say that. But it wouldn’t have sounded right coming from him. He was one of those men with whom “absolutely crazy about you” meant “I was in love with you”.
I had told myself the story, that the reason he had let me go was because he was just not in love with me.
When in retrospect, I definitely should have been able to recognize that our wonderful, tender, emotionally charged love making, only happened because we both had feelings for each other.
His constant tuning in to my feelings of fear, lust, insecurity, and finding out what I wanted and didn’t want?
Solving all riddles of mixed signals – of a mind that was confused, and a body that was simply begging for sex? 

His generous oral sex for me? 
And him asking permission even then – with that dripping wet and hungry body underneath him.
He asked everything.
He was the most consensual lover I had ever had, and yet he was the one who introduced me to rough sex, or play rape. Which just proves how dominance and submissiveness are actually the most consensual thing you could possibly imagine.

And it was a role play I had never done up until that point, but Salvatore knew in his bones that I would like it.
I would always remember him as the first man who understood the submissive nature of my sexuality, and the first to satisfy it.
Something that after him, only Mr.Big had been able to do.
No wonder I had been with Big for so many years now.
My affair with Salvatore happened summer 2009, just prior to my birthday.
To this day, it was the saddest birthday I remember. And I created a whole story in my head that he had not been in love with me.
When everything he gave me had been signs of pure love, of pure connection.

And of pure fear that we were going to hurt each other so badly, that he felt he had no choice but to end it, before it would turn sour.
When our main course was served we had already relived our whole affair. And we could both understand how painful it must have been for the other. 
There was a lot of crying and comforting, and at one point all I could say was:
“We did well. We did well.”

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

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Like a Virgin is the twentieth chapter from Project M. 
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tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.