Think of me

Feeling sick with a mixture of worry, excitement and butterflies in her stomach, Lauren goes over to see her lover Big.
She will not eat any of the food she brings.

I rang the bell to the apartment, unclear about what I was going to say, or even hoping for.
Just that I knew I was in even worse shape than when I had texted Big that I needed to see him.

But what story was I going to tell Mr.Big?
Xavier had “warned” me that my feelings for Christopher, that I was afraid were going to influence my relationship with Big,  were probably not mutual.
The reason I use quotation marks on “warned”, is that I wasn’t bothered by them not being mutual. Feeling sick to my stomach and losing 2 kilos in a week because I couldn’t eat, was a situation I longed to end. Preferably by Christopher saying it wasn’t mutual!
And because I was already feeling horrible anyway, and because I had Big’s date to keep me occupied while waiting for Christopher’s answer, I had sent a post-midnight email to Christopher.
I told him what I thought had happened in June.

And that I was aware my feelings for him had changed.
If he didn’t have any feelings for me, and still wanted to see me, that was perfect.
In all other cases, we either needed to have a clear plan, or end things now that we still could.
It was 2 AM when I clicked send, and I had thrown up twice during. The email had been two A4, but I edited it until I had two paragraphs that were clear, and to the point.
They were not manipulative, or seductive in any way.
It was actually written in a way that he would only say “Yes” if God, The Universe and the powers that be, left him no other choice.
That’s how much resistance I felt at the thought of being someone’s secret mistress again. Or simply being part of the stress of another family.
Xavier had been wrong my biggest fear was that it wasn’t mutual.
My biggest fear was that it was.
And I wanted my life back…. my playfulness. My joy.
It had been difficult to keep my spirits up, the years that me and Big had been together. But the past months it had been a downright disaster.
Oblivious to the awakening feelings for Christopher, as well as pushing down the fact that I was getting only marginal attention from Mr.Big, I had not been holding the course.
Simply because there was no course to be held.
Everything was falling apart, and I had no idea what I was aiming for.
Not sure on where I wanted my business to go.

And now that I was aware that the two men had been playing such an important role beneath the surface, I didn’t know what I wanted with them either.
I had always felt loyal to whatever Big’s agenda was.
If he didn’t want to see me, I assumed that was nessecary for him.
And I felt the same loyalty towards Christopher.
My email to Christopher had not been to influence his feelings in any way, and had made it clear that I didn’t want to continue our friendship, without making a conscious decision on this.
There was nothing more I could have done. 

And now I was going to have a breakfast date with Big. I had brought condoms, but sex was the last thing on my mind.
I was also afraid that if we had sex today, when we had discussed such an important topic, that our sex would be bad.
And that it would prove to be our last time together.

That had been my experience with other lovers.
The last sex had always been off tune. Weird. Like we were acting, pretending sex. Both feeding our own imagination, or lust for it.
And the only time when “last sex” had been good, I had found out nine months later that there had already been someone else. That destroyed any good memories about that time, and him, as well.

With those guys the only thing I ever remembered was that last time, of awkward sex. The rest had all blurred out.
I didn’t want that with Mr.Big.
Despite carrying condoms.
Mr. Big opened the door and I was so happy to see him. I felt drunk on having had maybe three hours of sleep. But he was jetlagged and probably hadn’t had much more.
He was clean and fresh, wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Apparently he intended to stay in, or maybe he didn’t want to intimidate me wearing his suite.
He made us eggs and coffee, and had no milk in the house.
Like usual.
We sat at the table. As he was having breakfast, and I was having my coffee, black, I talked. I told him everything. Who Christopher was, what had happened, and that I had no idea if the feelings were mutual, but that I did know that for me they marked the end of an era.
The era where my feelings had been exclusively for Mr.Big.
And then I did something that I had never done in our relationship.
I asked “the question”.
First I took him back to late 2015, to the only time when he had opened up to me.
I had accidentally ran into him at an event, and he had been drinking. We went to his place, and lied on the couch, fully clothed.
I was lying on top of him, our eyes were locked and my tears just kept running.
I could see into his soul.
It had been the only time when he had said he loved me, but he had said it a thousand times. And that he had thought about leaving his wife to be with me.
“Really?” I had asked him. “I had no idea you thought about us that way.”
“Of course I do,” he said. “I m not an idiot.”
That had all been years ago and this time I had to know.
“Why are you not choosing for me?” I asked. “And why have you been neglecting me? Do you want me to go?”
I tried not to sob because I wanted the truth.
Much to my surprise he did make an attempt to answer the question. Much of it was predictable, such as me not wanting to live together.
And of course my writing, which would require working around, for privacy reasons.
But all those things had already been discussed in the past.
What was difficult to digest for me, was that there had been changes in his family situation that he had not told me about.
There had been a time window, or opportunity, where he could have chosen for me. And he hadn’t.
If it had not been for the fact that I had felt so clearly, on all occasions that we had been together, that he still deeply cared for me, I would have interpreted everything he said in an entirely different way.
But I felt a deeper truth, than the words he was now speaking.
I had felt, every time, that there had been love for me.
It cost me tremendous effort, to not feel I was constantly losing from his wife. To not make this into something competitive, and to feel into the fact that love was not a finite thing. Not something that needed to be rationed between people.
But it hurt none the less.
A lot.
And I so wished I had never asked, and could go back to going on intuition. To feel what he felt for me, not hear his own interpretation of it.
Which seemed to be filled with doubt.
I started sobbing uncontrollably, and said that I had expected him to give a clear answer that could help me. That he either wanted me to go away, or that he needed time to think if he wanted to choose for me.
“I guess this is just the way we are,” I cried. “You’ve never given clarity. Of course you’re not going to give it now that I need it. With the Christopher story.”
I don’t know what happened after.
Just that we melted together, and that it was the most intimate, sexual experience we ever had. It was a strange mixture of crying, and really nice, simple sex. Doggy style even.
On my request.
With me standing, leaning forward with my hands on the bed, and he was behind me.
We were using a condom, and he came from fucking. Not from oral sex, like usually. It was short and sweet. And not awkward.
When I left I told him to take his time, and that I would be okay. If Christopher and I would kiss or something, I would tell him.
If he didn’t hear anything from me, it was good news.
When I came home I found Christopher’s email.
It was a rejection, what I had described to Big as “good news”.
But at that moment the grim reality of where I was in life, the feeling that I had effectively been trying to avoid for months, sank in.
And it wasn’t good news at all.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

I think this will be the final chapter for now…
I feel empty and can’t imagine what I could possibly write about.
If you want to receive the next blog post though, the subscribe button is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Think of me is the fifth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie


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Everybody

After a night of insomnia and stress related complaints, all uncomfortably similar to warning signs of a heart attack, Lauren craves to end the suspense before it’s killing her.
She would like to tell everybody she’s in love with Christopher.
But unfortunately, no one can know..
She confides in her most discrete friend; Xavier.
But things do not go as planned.

I knew right away that I had made a mistake telling Xavier about my crush on “Christopher”.
Xavier had never told anybody about my affair with Mr.Big, but appeared to be irritated that I was about to add another secret to the pile.
It went down so badly, that I didn’t even tell Xavier who Christopher was. Even though I had intended to.
Assuming that the whole thing wasn’t fueled by jealousy, which was perhaps the wrong assumption but okay, the biggest accusation was my arrogance that I thought it was mutual.
“Why are you so convinced it’s mutual?” Xavier asked.
I truthfully replied that feelings like that are felt by both parties.
“Really? You have never heard of love not being mutual?” Xavier snarked. “That is an entirely new concept to you?”
I didn’t answer that. First of all because since Xavier didn’t seem to be expecting an answer. And secondly, because my thoughts on this would have infuriated him even more.
Which was that in my experience men were at a disadvantage here.
Women could feel a man responding. And therefor the chances that a woman developed feelings for a man who were not returned, were extremely slim.
It was one of my biggest frustrations that men couldn’t feel that.
Men would keep signaling that they were sexually interested in me, and appeared to be dumb, deaf and blind to the fact that I was not sending anything sexual back.

When I first told my mother about this, I had actually been the one roaring in contempt:
“I’m like: I know you want to sleep with me! Just have the decency to hide the damn thing”
My mother shook her head and said:
“No… this is something else. You want to have meaningful conversations with your friends. If a man is only interested in making you compliments, you lose interest.”
Losing interest had proved to be an understatement, because it irritated me greatly. But otherwise she was right.
But then again so was I.

I didn’t care if a friend wanted to sleep with me, as long as we clicked on a soul level AND he had the decency to hide his feelings from me until he felt – I still wasn’t ready to go with the Neanderthal version where men were not be able to tune in and read me – that they were mutual.
Then, and only then, my deeply-connected-on-a-soul level friend was allowed to do something really cute.
Like take my hand.
While being fully tuned in to how I was responding to that gesture.

Or my friend could say something so meaningful that it made me cry.
And offer me a box of tissues but definitely not a hug.
Or if a friend felt that I liked him, he could offer to help me with something practical.
Like fixing my bike or painting my studio.
Someone who was not helping, was Xavier.
“Is it Warren?”
Xavier had turned my revelation that for the first time in four years, I had feelings for a new man, into a common guessing game.
Warren was a senior business coach whose services I had used, when my yoga business seemed to come crashing down. After setting a clear boundary with Warren, that he was no longer allowed to give me advice, since I wasn’t paying him anymore, we were now sending each other art house film tips.
Which wasn’t that easy since I knew jack shit about art house films and didn’t particularly like them either.
Secretly I did hope Warren and I could become friends.

But by now I was getting a bit pessimistic of finding anyone who understood me. Aside from my own mother. 
“No, it’s not Warren,” I sighed. “And I m not going to tell you who it is.”
I was so angry at Xavier for being so unreasonable, that I was going to punish him by withholding him the story.
Yet I was still convinced Xavier was the right man for the job of being my confidante.
The first time I met Xavier, I thought he was a criminal, because he was revealing so little about himself. I was fascinated by him, but didn’t start trusting him until he got into a relationship and I saw he had a soft side. 
Despite our clash today, Xavier would be my backup, if Christopher ever became more than a friend. Because I needed someone to know the truth, should anything bad happen to Christopher or to me.
And I also needed someone to tell sex stories to, if they were still so fresh that I couldn’t write about them.
And in that area too, Xavier was a forgiving listener.
Xavier’s ranting was annoying, because it meant I couldn’t share my story today, and would maybe suffer another night of heart problems;
But Xavier’s behavior was not a sign that he could not be trusted.
As Frodo said when trying to figure out Strider, or Aragorn, in Lord of the Rings:
“If he was one of the enemy, he would look fairer and…well, feel fouler.”
Xavier did not feel foul.
After my slightly disappointing date with Xavier I went to the yogastudio. I had originally intended to choose for my writing and quit teaching yoga altogether, and had spent two weeks making arrangements to transfer the studio to someone else.
Only to come to the conclusion that it was much more practical if I kept it on.
The reason was that in order for my writing business to be fully functional, and not wanting to share my house address with the Chamber of Commerce, I had to have a business location.
And because I didn’t need another office or writing space because I wrote at home. So the location I would rent may as well be a yogastudio.
At least I could make some money back on it.

So now I was busy making arrangements to cancel all cancellations, take all the posts down that we were closing, think about my new offers, and debrief all potential candidates that the studio was no longer on the market.
I would no longer offer a full studio program, nor work nights:
But I did intend to start teaching privates and a few small classes.
Back at the studio, I did the dishes and cleaned the floors, and planned the rest of my day. I asked a friend if she wanted to join me for a film Warren had recommended.
And she did, so that was cool.
Mr.Big had not replied to my A.M. text. Which was so disappointing. I really wanted to see him. Our affair was going through a rough time. This year we had had sex on several occasions, but our meetups were almost random encounters.
He barely made time for me.

Not that the sex was bad, not at all. And sometimes we even saw each other without sex.
But we were nowhere near to the wonderful dating routine we had in place for about three years prior. Where he would cook me dinner, and we would play sex games that stretched body and mind so to speak.
The graphic images of what we did, and all the stuff I would still want to do with him, just haunt me these days.
I started masturbating on something other than Big. Other men or specific situations with anonymous, faceless people.
The reason I put in so much effort into pulling my solo-love life away from him was because our love life was already so fragile, with Mr.Big being so unavailable. I didn’t want my imaginary sex life to only feature him.

I had to have a set of sustainable masturbation fantasies, that would stay unharmed if he ever broke up with me.
Or if, which was more likely, he just stopped calling me, and dating me. And months later I would realize I had been dumped.
Enough reason to not let Mr.Big monopolize my mind.
But after a good start of reinventing my self-pleasure routines, I had regressed back to what it had always been.
Fantasy sex with Mr.Big.
At night I saw the friend and it was so great to see her.

I told her what had happened between me and Christopher.
Not as specific as I could have done with Xavier, but it was nonetheless soothing to be able to tell the truth. To share how Christopher had given me space in that elevator, in that crucial moment when Christopher and me had been in a confided space for the first time in our friendship.
Standing in the back of the elevator and leaving the doorway and the control panel to me.
“Do you know how many men screw that up?” I asked the friend. “That they stand too close, or use the elevator as an excuse to come too near?”
She’s fifteen years older than I am, and her past has been way more adventurous than mine.
Of course she fucking knew. 

“He’s a real man, Lauren,” she said. “You got yourself a real, mature, man.”
It was my second art house film within a week. And this film too, was way too dark for me.
Two movies about men obsessed with violence was definitely too much.
And no one got laid.
I got home right before midnight.
When I took my phone out of my handbag, I saw I had a message from Mr.Big.
“Hi Baby Bee, Sorry to read you’re not doing well. Of course you can come over. My plane just landed, and I ll sleep at the condo. Would you like to come for breakfast tomorrow? Love, B.”
Maybe someone was going to get laid after all.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Everybody is the fourth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie


Burning Up

Technically? Lauren is still faithful in her secret affair with the married Mr.Big. But now that she’s fallen in love with her friend Christopher, the impenetrable shield of her monogamy is showing the first signs of wear.

I thought I could do this….
Just let it be.
Not tell Christopher how I feel, and not tempt another married man into starting an affair. Hell, with my body’s current tantrum, I don’t even know if I can have an affair again!
And be a mistress.
Even if I broke up with Mr.Big to simplify things, and then Christopher and me had time to start our affair, or just get to know each other better really…
It strikes me how little I know of him, and how private he has always been. 
But even then?
Could I go through this rollercoaster ride of having a secret lover?
Am I really a mistress, like I ve always claimed I am?
Am I someone who will not get her “fix”, will not stay interested, and will walk out bored unless the stakes are high, the secrecy is killing, and emotions are rampant?
“Yes, you are,” Mister Big would say.
He was the first to point out that my phobias for std’s (or you could say a phobia for social exclusion really) that I had been suffering since I was a teenager, had altered the very nature of my sexuality.
That I simply couldn’t be at the level of normalness and intimacy, that were the cornerstone of normal relationships. I needed the high, and the adrenaline of being in love, and of it being a secret affair.
So because I was unsure of what I wanted, and also because I didn’t want to influence Christopher, I decided I wouldn’t do anything.
Not about my relationship with Mr.Big, which had been marginalized really. And not by me. 
I would say nothing to Christopher, because I was 99% sure that he had felt something too. And that once I would say something about it, it would be a real thing.
If he was still in denial, I wasn’t going to ruin his life by enlightening him.
So I had already made up my mind. I knew what was the right thing to do. But when I got to bed and I got pain in my left arm (which is the side related to your heart) and a panic attack. A sickening feeling.
“What was I thinking?” I wondered.
There was no way was going to keep this up.
I longed for clarity, with all my heart. I wanted to express what I was feeling. I wondered if I had a friend, someone I could trust..
And I also wanted to tell Mr.Big what had happened. And ask him what he wanted, and why he had let it slip between us.
Did he really want me to turn my back on him and move on with my life?
Because then now would be a good time to say so.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Burning Up is the third chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Not telling him I ve fallen in love

I m not just not telling him… I m also not staring into his eyes like this, trust me.

At first I thought this was a married-man thing.
That my resistance towards sharing my new feelings with my married friend Christopher, had to do 
with the fact that I didn’t want to tempt him into breaking his vows, cheating on his wife, ruining his life.
I m a firm believer that the responsibility for cheating is with the cheating party.
Not with the mistress.
I m making this a him=cheater/ her=mistress story.
But gender doesn’t have anything to do with it; this is just a reflection of my situation.
I ve been a mistress to Mr.Big since 2015, but it started out as something that happened to me. I didn’t choose it. Later on I embraced the identity, and recognized it as my own.
But another important characteristic of our affair was that Mr.Big chased me. Not the other way around.
So I never felt responsible for doing anything “to him”.
Because it was his choice.
But with Christopher, I am the one who has fallen for a married man, and he doesn’t know that.
So 2015:
A married Mr.Big wanted me, wooed me, and when I fell in love it was a done deal.
And 2018:
I m in love with married Christopher, and I m unsure if I want to woo him, or close the deal.
If I could trust that he’s completely repulsed by the idea of me, or the idea of cheating, then I would tell him. And we could laugh it off, and it would be really funny to have him rejecting me.
I m sure he’d say that I should get some horny 25 year old, not a man his age.
Or that he’s a lousy lay.
It would be fun, and afterwards we could continue our friendship carefree.
But chances that Christopher is that certain, are slim.
And then we get into a whole bunch of scenarios, that are actually very much influenced by the fact that I ve told him about my feelings, or that I ve facilitated nearness, contact, time together, hoping that he’d use it to make his move.
For example:
What if he does have feelings for me, but chooses to stay faithful?
In that case, me making it easy for him to start an affair, means I’m responsible for his cheating. Because he would have contained himself, as long as I hadn’t pushed it.
Or he has feelings for me but he chooses not to persue it because he feels insecure, and believes I won’t answer them.
AHA!
And that’s when I had my lightbulb moment.
That’s when I saw, very clearly, how this entire “do I tell him or not” – question didn’t have anything to do with Christopher being married! That I would do well, to never EVER facilitate nearness, and to always play hard to get.
Because I NEED A MAN TO BE SECURE.
If a man is too insecure to pursue me, then things are not going to work out in the bedroom.
I had this conversation on Twitter, explaining that I need a man to “read” me, because if I have to talk him through hitting on me, then things are not going to work out between the sheets.
Then the roles are set, with me constantly telling him how I want to be touched, fucked, and what mental games I like to play, so that I don’t have to bruise his ego by correcting him afterwards.
And I m going to hold that against him.
I m going to hate him for not understanding me, for having to take initiative, for making me go through lengths so that this whole thing can be a riskfree ride for him.
Yuck.
I need a man to take risks….
I will never tell a man that I m in love with him and that my defenses are paper-thin, and that he’ll find me dripping wet because I want to see him leaping, taking a chance, and being fucking prepared to fail miserably.
And when I say that I want a man to read me, what I m really saying is:
I want him to pay attention, as if I m a game that he wants to figure out in order to win it.
If he can’t do that, because he’s not smart enough, or bold enough, or because he’s afraid I ll reject him?
Then he’s not my guy!
It really is so freaking simple.
I dated for eight years, before I ran into Mr.Big. And in those eight years the biggest “mistake” if you want, I made, was that I put tremendous effort into dating and trying to like a potential partner, and turning a blind eye on everything I didn’t like;
All in order to get laid.
All in order to have sex.
Sex that was good, or even great. But what kept nagging me was that I was the one putting in all the effort.
I was the one who managed our courtship, who worked around his ego, who facilitated, and made things easy. And by the time I finally got what I wanted I think I was almost vengeful, and I was extremely angry if it stayed at having sex just a couple of times.
I was like:
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I INVESTED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN?!
And yet…
And I know this is going to sound strange.
But do you know, that for a long time I ve said that I would do it again if I had to?
That I would do what it took to have some sort of a sex life, while being single. Even if it meant that I had to build the entire thing with my own two hands and a lot of imagination, and all he had to do was play the role that fit him like a glove because I had not picked a part for him that was too hard.
I had created something that suited his talents, and stayed within his comfort zone.
For a long time I did think I would do that again, if Big would break up with me, and I would be single.
Until a few weeks back I realized:
No.
Never.
I d rather not have sex, than to ever lower my standards and make things easier for a man.
I need him to stand up for what he wants.
I need him to be able to take rejection.
And I need him to read me, and just know what type of rejection I m giving him:
Is it because I m really not interested.
Or because he scares me, because I m overwhelmed by emotions for him and that my No means that:
This is scary as fuck.
And if he doesn’t understand all of those things?
Or he can’t take being rejected?
And he doesn’t see conquering me as a challenge?
Then I m better off without him.
And he’s most definitely better off without me.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

PS:
In addition to the post: Another reason I m not telling, is because being in love is a fragile thing. Just like wanting sex: I can drop out of it easily.
If I would say I was in love with him, I would suggest it’s a done deal. When I still need him to work for it.

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Love St(r)uck

I never talked much about Christopher. If I said anything to anyone at all.
He was “just” one of the many men I call friends, or dates. I saw less of him than I hoped for. Twice a year tops.
And he always paid for dinner, even though we were just friends and not romantically involved.
At least that is what I thought until the truth hit me, an hour ago.
That I was even aware of how little I saw of him, and that I wanted more, should have been a first sign that my feelings for him had been more than friendly.
But I didn’t notice.
Even now that I know I still can’t believe it.
Any of it!
I can’t believe that I missed my feelings for Christopher. 
Even though my whole life has come crashing down this summer, I failed to see the explosion that caused it. Or maybe it was more a self-destructive response where I tore my business down in frustration because I was so uncomfortable that it wasn’t doing well.
And that not being financially secure made me an ineligible partner. 

Or maybe shutting down my business was just me taking out the internal battle I was going through.
I craved for control. Something I didn’t have with him.
It was much easier to focus on realigning a business than our friendship.
But still, what was I thinking? How did I manage to miss it? 
Did I actually believe I had turned into an entrepreneur? Did I really think that suddenly, at 46 years old, I had started caring about fucking business?
Really?
Without a powerful sexual motive behind it?
Had I not learned that love made me fearless, grinning, strong, slightly aggressive, but Oh. So. Bold!
When in love I was capable of doing things, claiming things, stating things, and aiming higher than ever.
Of course redoing my entire life didn’t have anything to do with me suddenly being a changed woman! 
There is a post on this blog that I want to become the first Dutch writer (well I write in English, but I am Dutch) who makes a million a year from her writing.
And I just reread that to get the link inserted here, and that is powerful stuff!
But it’s a direct result of the energy I have been receiving the last couple of months from being in love. Without noticing it!
I was completely clueless.
Like I said, I still can’t believe it. 
I’m like: “Him? Noooooo.”
We’ve known each other for years, he seems an unlikely candidate.
We never flirt, and we don’t talk about sex. He will occasionally shake his head that I put up with Mr.Big. He knows me being a mistress is a given, but he’s clearly biting his tongue, I can see it.
And I don’t ask about his wife either. Nor do I ask him if he’s ever cheated. I feel it wouldn’t be fair, since I would like him to be unfaithful just to prove that I am right, and that married people are wrong.
There is a childish, competitive side to our friendship I suppose.
He ll say things like: “Well as long as you re happy.”
Which infuriates me because I would never say something like that to him.
Maybe the subdued rivalry towards his wife and Mr.Big were the second sign something was up. 
For almost four years now, I ve been in love with my lover Mr.Big. And I ve never felt THIS, for another man.
My feelings have been exclusive to Mr.Big.
In all fairness, Mr.Big has kind of been asking for this to happen. We do still have sex, on occasion. But our last proper date, where proper stands for planned in advance and including dinner, must have been last year already.
I felt I got demoted from mistress to booty call.
Now don’t get me wrong: I don’t mean that he’s thinking less of me. His feelings for me have not changed. 
The last time we hugged, our bodies clung to each other as if they were two needy entities who were shrieking at us:
“WHY DON’T WE GET THIS MORE OFTEN!!! NOOOOO!!!! DON’T TAKE US APART ALREADY!”
A clothed hug but a desperate hug.
So no, I know there isn’t less emotion on his side, nor on mine.
Just that apparently he can’t bring himself to make time for me like he used to. Maybe the strain of leading a double life is taking its toll on him. He might feel guiltier if he planned on seeing me, and less guilty if it’s a quickie.
As if he can rationalize it as a chance encounter, something that shouldn’t have happened.
I don’t know.
But I’ve been aware that it wouldn’t go on like this forever.
Big and me are not the breakup kind. Whenever we tried, we were both miserable and got back together soon.
If we ever breakup we ll most likely become friends. I m not expecting any drama, although that too can be a dangerous thing..
I don’t want to think of the possibility of him breaking up with me. 
That’s another possible reason why I ve been so rough with my business.
The thought that Big’s meager dating routine actually did mean something. A daunting thought. And that I destroyed my own company, so that I didn’t have to feel that.
That I externalized my pain.
Or maybe my extreme emotional behavior was caused by both of them. That Christopher and Mr.Big had been like the sun and the moon causing spring tide, when the range between ebb and flow is the greatest.
The highs are higher and the lows are lower.
I ve definitely had that going on for the past two months. 
Maybe the emotional rollercoaster will slow down, now that I ve discovered its hidden generators. The two men, with whom I try to cope by taking my business down.
I did also consider taking my own life, but that had nothing to do with them. It was on one of the two low points. One low point was a Monday night when I was clearing out my closet and found all the things that reminded me so much of my deceased cats Max and Willem. I just sat there on the couch, crying. Holding their passports.
The low point when I got suicidal thoughts was when I was sending in my application for a job everybody told me to accept. That it would be such a great opportunity for me.
I withdrew my application and the crying stopped, and so did the destructive thoughts.
But what I failed to see was that my business suicide had been in progress for a while already. Just that nobody thought I would actually do it.
Kill a business that had taken me fifteen years to build.

Christopher and me on our last date.
Like usual, he picked me up from the station, and walked us to the restaurant I liked. It was more a pub, with steaks and loud music.
But I liked it there.
On our way back, he pointed to a new high rise.
“That’s where I work now.”
It was matter-of-factly, and I didn’t believe him.
I don’t know why I didn’t.
We never really talked about work.
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Yes, I know where I work.”
We walked on, and I think I even started a whole new conversation, but it kept buzzing in my head.
“Do you have your security pass on you?” I asked.
“Why? You want to go in?”
“Yes”.
And I was aware that I had just asked my platonic friend, to take me to a deserted building. If this was going to end with me being raped I would have a poor #metoo case. Maybe that’s what excited me.. 
But I think it was something else.
Because I did trust he wouldn’t suddenly turn into an ax yielding rapist. In retrospect I think I wanted to see if he was worthy, or if he would overstep my boundaries. But despite him being the one on trial, I was the one who was nervous.
Or maybe he was too, but he didn’t show it.
He got us in, and the hallway was majestic, with shops, a fountain, benches, trees in pots. Everything was closed, but it must have been a crowded place during the day.
We took a glass elevator, to the eighth floor. A floor with cubicles, where Christopher worked. Which surprised me because I had expected him to be someone who had a room to himself.

I tried to figure out if management had their own office. If it had been Christophers decision to work on the floor, or if it was company policy.
“Want to see the top floor?”
It was a neutral question. Christopher had been keeping his cool for the entire tour.
Second elevator ride, moving further up.
Just like the first time he made sure to be the first to go into the elevator, and waited in the back. Staying free from the doorway and leaving the control panel to me.
I pressed the top button.
The top floor was a large space with a modern, clean look and chunky sofas.
With a breathtaking view of the skyline.
I felt enchanted by the whole situation. The view over the city by night. The mysterious room; Christopher had not put on any lights.
He stayed clear from me, wasn’t following me around. Wasn’t playing with his phone either. I was skipping up and down with excitement, exclaiming over and over how happy I was to be there, and how great it was.
He was just smiling.
As if he knew he had passed.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

To find out what happens next (I would like to know too!) follow this blog. The subscribe button is somewhere on the right.
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

This is the reality of how bad I m really doing

I’m not writing this because I’m discarding my plan to become the first Dutch author who is internationally successful writing in English.
I m not writing it because I don’t have plans for the future.
I m not even writing it to ward off all the well meant advice that immediately has me wanting to kill myself, from “I have the perfect job for you”,
to “Why don’t you start taking yoga classes again, after giving them for 15 years.”
I m writing it because I am the first to forget how bad I m really doing and am so eager to move on.
When the truth is I shouldn’t plan on doing anything -not editing my books (I had one LS Harteveld and three under my real name planned), not writing these blog posts, not moving house to something smaller, not becoming famous, not getting a small job, NOTHING
Until I sleep again for at least four weeks in a row.
Until the pain in my chest stops.
Until the crying stops.
Until I haven’t thought about killing myself for at least a whole week.
That’s when I can start making plans.
No sooner.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this daily blog to find out when I’m resurrected.
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
This diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is De Candystop een aanrader.
Dit dagboek speelt enkele jaren later, maar er komen minstens evenveel mooie mannen in voor.
En veel beroemder.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

After 15 years I quit teaching yoga (top 3 things I look forward to)

I wish I had a quote at hand, to mark the occasion.
Something deep and meaningful, that would put me flushing a fifteen year long career down the drain, into perspective.
Although: “Done!” would probably suffice.
It’s strange how long it can take before you realize half an income as an entrepreneur is actually worse than no income at all.
At least if there was none, it would be clear nothing is coming, right?
Now I invested (can I say wasted, or is that too cynical?) years reinventing my business and myself.
Just to be clear:
The reason I quit teaching is that I’m prioritizing writing and publishing books. And in order to do that, I need money coming in.
Ideally, I would have that coming in from writing the books, but if that’s not the case I don’t have time for extra hobbies.
Writing is my hobby.
Once it starts paying the bills, I can start adding extras -such as teaching yoga, marketing and mindset – but until my Harteveld Bestseller Revenues start pouring in, I don’t have anything to spare.
Least of all time.
That having said, the result of this pragmatic choice is that this morning, for the first time in 15 years, I woke up not being a yoga teacher.
And much to my surprise, I find myself being excited about this!
Here’s my top three things I look forward to, now that I am no longer a yoga teacher.

3. writing

Duh, right?
But I had not anticipated this almost child-like excitement.
I now “officially” have permission to write a blog post here, in English, every day, for the rest of my life. Because I no longer own a “real” business that is making money.
Blogging here will be the number one thing I do every day.
On a little side note:
I ll be going on a little trip this week.
It’s just a few days, but I do not own a laptop and intend to keep it that way. I always use precious days away from home to get inspired.
So no writing. My next blog will be Friday, earliest.

2. Real holidays and nights off

I haven’t had a holiday since 2014. Much of it had to do with the cats, who were both sick in their final years and needed me home.
But aside from that, for a yoga business the two classic holidays, Christmas and summer, are two seasons you bust your ass off to ensure that in January and September new students will be signing up for your courses.
Oh, and then there’s the summer season as a whole, where you still pay for your studio, yet can’t offer your full program.
At least I couldn’t.
So you’re basically partially unemployed for two months of the year.
And to have my nights off!
Oh, I so look forward to that.
From now on, it will pay off to go to bed early, because I don’t have nights where I m not home before 10.30 PM anyway; And therefor not in bed before 11.30 PM because I have to unwind first.
Being a morning person, working nights made it impossible for me to optimize my sleep-work-leisure schedule.

1. yoga!!

Trust me, no one is as surprised about this one as me.
Yesterday (before I made the decision to quit) I had even made my peace with the fact that if I wanted to start taking care of my body, with yoga and or fitness, I would do well making peace with the fact that I absolutely hated doing it.
And to simply commit to do it, without expecting to like it.
But the moment I knew I never had to teach another class in my life, if I didn’t want to, I felt a liberating shift.
Suddenly there was so much space.
Including space to enjoy the practice of yoga, which I had started dropping out of the moment I started teaching it.
I m so incredibly happy!

A famous saying from Elizabeth Gilbert is:
“Don’t let your creativity pay the bills.”

She could have said the same thing about yoga.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this daily blog to find out if I actually end up a pious yogi.
Including getting the size 6 body that went with it…..
Follow Twitter ; or Facebook

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
This diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is De Candystop een aanrader.
Dit dagboek speelt enkele jaren later, maar er komen minstens evenveel mooie mannen in voor.
En veel beroemder.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Turning pain into pleasure

If being a hoe has taught me anything in this life,
it’s that all of your pain can be turned into pleasure.
Paige Owens (18+) on Twitter

When I lay awake in bed last night,  (again) and I was suffering from pain in my chest (again); I made the resolution that from this day forward, till death do me part (and I hoped me doing this was going to seriously postpone that) put self-care first.
And I was going for RADICAL self-care!
Like William Dafoe!
I would be getting up every morning, do a two hour yoga practice, and that was it.
Everything else I got done that day would be a bonus.
But despite real yogis I knew I wouldn’t practice on an empty stomach, and needed breakfast and then coffee.
And I always crawled behind the computer with my coffee to write a post, which took me two to four hours.
It had usually been a blog post for the yoga studio because my focus on making money as LS Harteveld (and therefor doing daily messaging as LS Harteveld) was only a few days old.
But regardless of the account (yoga studio or LSH), writing in pj’s was of course not proper self-care!
So last night I got the idea to start writing the tiniest LS Harteveld sales post, while drinking my AM Latte Macchiatos.
No more lengthy blog posts.
And then I’d do the William Dafoe, and I would live happily and pain free and wildly successful ever after.
I wondered if I would just write the sales post on Facebook?
And then repost it to Twitter?
Or would I be missing out on sales, because people didn’t want to click a Facebook link?
Was I was better off creating blog posts?
And I knew I would ultimately want to collect them!
Like a diary.
Not that I intended to publish a real book with a year of sales posts, of course not. But soon enough they would turn into really great stories that I had not told anywhere else, and then I would be uncomfortable with the idea that they were only on Facebook.
If I wanted to save myself from copy-pasting backwards through my TL, 30 days from now or something, I was better off to immediately publish the sales posts in a blog.
So they were archived.
Meanwhile it was 3 AM, and I was angry that despite me having prioritized writing/ making money from LS Harteveld this week – a commitment I would keep for the rest of my life – I was still suffering the pain in my chest.
I thought that the chest pains had been caused by feeling a pressure to make money with my yoga business; or to make money as a business mentor.
Now that I had decided to focus on writing, and on selling books, I had expected the heart pains to magically disappear.
I did stop having suicidal thoughts and crying, the moment I had vetoed to ever do anything with my cognitive skills/ with my degree/ or even to ever perform emotional labor again.
Yet I didn’t understand why my body was still throwing pain tantrums, when clearly there was nothing to worry about.
Because this was the plan:

option 1.
Write, sell books, have hobby yoga studio, get new cats

Teaching yoga classes is the ideal leisure, to compensate for being behind my desk all day. I was positive that when I became a famous author, I would want to have that studio to stay connected to all the friends I was teaching there.
And that I, a stay at home writer, would get new cats in 2019, after my apartment had been renovated.

I didn’t know when I would start making a living selling books, but I did know I would have to let the studio go, if it took too long.
Which is why there was an alternative plan.

option 2.
Write, sell too few books, cancel yoga studio, downsize life to minimum income level, get a job as a janitor, work 40 hours a week, write at night to stay sane, don’t take cats, lose social life, become lonely, no complaining because so many people have obligations next to their 40 hour job

Two options! This was an actual plan!
And of course the second option was less attractive than the first, but surely no reason to get a heart attack right?

the persistent pain in my chest could also be caused by a hidden backup plan, working title:
under the bridge with a bottle of red wine

In this third option, I had continued the yoga studio just a little too long, downsized insufficiently, or I had not managed to get a job as a janitor.
In that scenario I would end up homeless and with nothing to show for, writing in paper notebooks I carried with me, and with limited to no options to get any posts out into the world.
Maybe they would be released after I died, maybe not.

Still suffering from insomnia I realized I needed to prioritize self-care. I bet William Dafoe slept great, and technically he wasn’t making any commitments to acting or creating other sources of income either.
I was convinced that if I focused on doing my daily yoga practice, I too would be able to sleep, and I would stop suffering from pain in my chest. But since it was a pretty ungodly hour for yoga, I decided to masturbate instead.

click the photo for the post A Porn Star Love Life; which I wrote exclusively about Steve Holmes.
And it made him blush.
(!!)

So I went onto Twitter, to the TL of Steve Holmes.
Steve Holmes is my favorite porn actor, and unlike Facebook, Twitter lets you (and Steve) post EVERYTHING.
I don’t have to download or Google or pay: I can get aroused just browsing the promotional gifs, trailers and clips on Steve Holmes’ TL.
And from there I clicked to Paige Owens:
one of the actrices Steve had worked with.
And between all the porn (enough to ensure I would have no trouble getting off masturbating in a sec) I found this tweet from her:

And I stopped.
Of course, she was right.
OF COURSE!
This was my specialty. This was what I was all about. This is why, although I had not heard from my lover Mr.Big for a while, I liked him not contacting me as much as I liked it if he did.
The pain of loneliness made the pleasure of seeing him, so much sweeter.
Just like sex, where pain makes the pleasure more intense. I knew I had the same fetish in life as well, but I had not realized until Paige’s tweet that I needed this.
That I would rather suffer heart pains at night, than to live a balanced life.
I didn’t need sales posts and a steady income selling books.
I didn’t need a two hour yoga practice.
For me as a writer, a submissive, a pain junkie;
I needed that pain in my chest as much as I needed tough love from Mr.Big.
I closed Twitter, masturbated, and slept like a baby.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

subscribe to this daily blog to find out if I end up a millionaire or a million miles down the hill; or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Want to know exactly how much tough love Mr.Big Has Given me?

You can buy my book
Big
diaries and erotica
in my book shop.
It opens with the story “The Biggie”; about my first time anal sex.

Als je Nederlands bent is ook 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader!
Je kunt deze kopen in mijn Lulu shopje;
of bij de Feeks in Nijmegen.
De Feeks verstuurt ook.
Om 22 erotische verhalen, met heeel veel tough love,
bij de Feeks te kopen scroll naar beneden.

BOOK SHOP

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Watering the Bamboo Tree – five years to becoming the first 7-figure Dutch author, WRITING whatever the fuck I want

Seeing my books in stores all over the world

It took me over an hour to come up with this title.
And that’s including Googling if it was “to become” or “to becoming”.
Only to then find that even native English speakers have trouble with that one, and that I had done it correctly. If I hadn’t, I would have felt even more self-conscious claiming this insanely high income goal, writing in a language that’s not mine.
But I would have pushed through.
No more backing down because it has never been done before.
No more buying into my limiting beliefs, or someone else’s scarcity stories a.k.a. well-meant yet soul crushing advice.
From now on I ll have you expelled from my circle of friends, if you don’t understand that I d rather end up homeless than to put my brain up for hire for anything else than doing my purpose work.
That’s why I added:  “writing whatever the fuck I want”
So I wouldn’t waste time thinking about offers or ideas that were kinda what I wanted. Things I wouldn’t mind…
Like having a profitable yoga business.
Being a successful business mentor for other writers, artists and entrepreneurs.
Or even speaking gigs.
I would love those things, and I ll gladly keep them on as hobbies. But this 5 year goal is about PRIORITIZING. It’s about realizing that it’s better to be living hand to mouth, but with your goal clearly visualized;
Than it is to make €36.000 annually losing sight of what really matters.
The 7-figure income goal is not cumulative.
It means my annual revenues in 2023 are a million or more; from WRITING whatever the fuck I want.
The reason I capitalized the word writing, is because for personal development authors it’s so easy to get distracted spreading yourself too thin by using too many different media to promote yourself.
And so easy to get tempted into developing multiple income streams doing other things than writing. This is because we see ourselves as personal development entrepreneurs; not writers.
And that’s a mistake.
Which is why I made a not-to-do list.

MY NOT TO DO LIST

Here are three activities/ income streams/ promos that I ve come to realize, are just not going to work for me.
And why.

NOT TO DO #1: promoting MYself using Instagram/ YouTube/ live streams

I have a YouTube channel, and I m not going to say I ll never create another video; But it’s not going to be part of my daily messaging, weekly content or whatever.
So on the subject of writers using different media to share their message I m gonna say this (cover your ears, gonna shout)
WRITERS NEED READERS
IF YOU PREFER VIDEOS AND PHOTOS
YOU RE NOT A READER
AMEN
Sorry about that.
Keep in mind I m the one with the YouTube channel, who needs to hear this most.
Just saying.

NOT TO DO #2: Public Speaking and Conferences

Sure!!!
I m not saying I ll never promote myself. If I just released a book I put a year of my life in, I ll go on tour and everything.
But this is old-school promotion, where you have a brief period of campaigning.
Nowadays most personal development writers are also speakers, who speak on conferences and events and this can take on a life of its own.
I can see myself giving book readings and interviews to promote book sales: but my 7 figure income is not going to come from charging 100K for a day.
I’m not going to be the Tony Robbins of mistresshood.

NOT TO DO #3: selling online Programs or coaching

This is basically number one and two combined: motivational videos with a price tag are an online course;
If you do it in a private Facebook group it’s an online program or Mastermind group;
If you coach 1-on-1 online (worldwide) you have ticket prices ranging up to over $100K for a year of premium coaching.
Online coaching and online programs are even more profitable than public speaking.
But there is no such thing as a quick buck.
Setting up and running an online business, will be totally draining for a writer.
If you love writing, or provide any other service (like teaching yoga) my advice is to put a hard limit on creating an online business, before the devil seduces you.
Hashtag done.

watering the bamboo tree

My title for this five year project stems from a Les Brown video that is both encouraging, as well as disheartening.
So disheartening that I considered omitting it, and changing the title for something that ensured results a little bit faster.
For example a 6-figure income in one year.
The story Les Brown talks of, is about the Chinese Bamboo “tree”, which takes 5 years of daily watering and fertilizing. But once it breaks through the ground, it shoots up to ninety feet in five weeks.
The lesson being:
If you work on your dreams, you may have nothing to show for, for the first five years.
But keep watering it.
Keep fertilizing it.
Every day!
Despite what people are saying; despite having nothing to show for it.
Never stop! Keep going!
For five years with nothing to show for if you must.
Because once you break through the soil;
you will shoot up to the sky in five weeks.

Want to grow your own money tree?

For the next five years, I ll be sharing my watering schedule, fertilizing secrets and other daily habits that will ensure the Chinese Bamboo grows into a 7-figure income.
The subscribe button should be somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
And you can get to know me better by through my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie

Using marketing & sales to magnetically attract your dream lover (m/f)

I’m not going to bother you with the details!
But suffice to say that within four days I went from in tears, desperate, and on the verge of accepting my “dream job” (which was somebody else’s dream job, obviously) –
and for the purpose of this story it’s worth mentioning that at this stage I was convinced I needed a second lover to complete my life-
to deliriously happy choosing writing and speaking as my life’s purpose, and treating my brain to a “not for sale nor hire nor rent” sign.
All my cognitive skills would from now on be reserved for writing.
I was no longer a brain for hire.
Not even if my life, or income, or financial means were dependent on it.
I just wasn’t available for that anymore.
I did have one safety measure in my plan to conquer the world with my writing: I was going to write, speak, sell under two different names, in two different languages, and about two vastly different subjects:
My Dutch account would be about marketing and sales techniques for small business owners.
And my English work would be about mistresshood, and how to be a good mistress.
But I just realized those two things are EXACTLY the same!
That although I still intend to publish a book
The Daily Mistress
Confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
here on this account LS Harteveld.
As well as * insert some flashy title on marketing and sales for small business owners * under my real name.
It simply has to end with me writing a book, combining the lessons of both!
Because they’re exactly the same!

Out of the top of my head, here are three ways in which marketing and sales use techniques and principles to becoming magnetically attractive to the opposite sex.

1. standing your ground

This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give anyone active on any market; whether it’s dating, teaching yoga or professionally trimming the bushes.
Oh.
That came out all wrong.
But you get what I mean: clients and potential partners need you to radiate self-esteem, because it shows you know what you’re doing. It makes them feel safe.
Lowering your price or other standards, indicates you’re unsure of yourself.
That’s why it all starts with standing your ground.

2. long-term Connection

This is HUGE!
And it’s actually a fairly new principle in marketing, that originates from people using social media. Because social media will make a hit-and-run sale practically impossible, long-term focus has become a must.
And this goes for relationships too.
Now that it’s so easy to “out” strangers you slept with on social media, the “Know, Like, and Trust Factor”- the corner stone of marketing- has become crucial in selecting bed partners as well.
If you lead someone on, not revealing you’ll run after one night or already have a partner or whatever, you’ll have that blowing up in your face on social media in minutes.
So flirting and selling start by building something that’s meant to last regardless if the outcome is a sale/ sex/ a marriage/ whatever.
It’s the dreaded friend zone (between men and woman) and the “freebie” hunter- stage, that will drive any online-entrepreneur crazy, that you simply MUST learn to enjoy!
If you can’t accept a relationship without scoring, and you keep pushing for more?
You lose.
It really is that simple.
Either you can be the classic used-car sales man, using sleazy techniques to push someone into buying. Or you can be a modern used-car sales man who writes his private number on his business card and says:
“I understand you need to be careful where you spend your money. If you’re considering buying somewhere else, I can come take a look for you. It’s a free service, I just want you to be fully happy with what you’ve bought.”
Guess which one will get raving reviews, friends telling friends, and people throwing credit cards at them?
And can you see how someone being friend-zoned has the possibility to rise?
As long your presence in the friendship comes from what I said at 1:
high self-esteem and don’t lower your standards.
Taking things slow and enjoying the client or relationship at any stage, is key number two to becoming magnetically attractive.

3. focus on your client/ date

This is what separates the men from the boys. And the mistresses from the wives, I’d say.
Because this type of sensitivity is actually giving someone your FULL attention. Which will make them feel so loved. And it’s actually feels pretty awesome to give as well.
It’s the best thing ever.
Here’s how it works:
In order to give someone your full attention, you have to look at someone with true empathy and only focus on how you can help them and have a good time together.
There is zero room for your ego, of wanting to be exclusive, or to be the best in your business, and so on. You are one hundred percent focused on serving your client or date; you’re not pushing your own agenda.
This is of course not something you’re going to keep up 24/7
Which is why you must only meet/ contact/ show up selling when you feel good in your own skin and are able to connect with the other person.

It’s now Thursday afternoon, and despite the pleasure it’s been to write this I realize I ve run out of time already!
I should have left half an hour ago.

Maybe that’s the biggest lesson marketing can teach the dating industry:
Resources are scarce.
And your reputation fragile.
Don’t waste them.

enjoyed our time together?

You re welcome to subscribe for our next date:
The Follow button is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
And you can get to know me better by through my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Twitter
or Facebook

These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie